Queenkv’s Brainpickings

sleepy…couldn’t sleep last night

it was so damn windy last night….i kept thinking there was a kitty meowing for help, in my backyard. plus, somehow, my bathroom light turned on…..i hope that was me, absent-mindingly flipping switches. argh. the house makes so many noises when i’m by myself.

so, i’m sleepy.

and sad.

i thought i was ready to go back to the rsf. i really want to get back to hankido. but yesterday, i parked in the stiles lot and i was about to get out, to pay my summer fees. i couldn’t do it. i was paralyzed. i had a nervous break down, it felt like one. couldn’t breathe, think, and i certainly didn’t want to try driving in that condition. i was terrified of running into that asshole. i thought i was better. i thought i was normal. guess not. i’m just a sad sack of shit, pathetic and pointless. i’m not doing well. i thought i was getting my life back and i so badly want my hankido workouts. but i would have broken down more, if i forced myself to face the rsf. i was crying so hard and so loud that it was difficult to breathe. i tried calling mark, but he’s away on a business trip……all they way out in frickin’ texas……..i called him at a bar…..didn’t want to bother him. i tried wes, but he wasn’t answering his phone. then i tried betina. she called me back, after my first attempt. thank god.

i’m such a mess….even drinking a glass of wine couldn’t relax me.