Queenkv’s Brainpickings

i fell asleep and dreamt about work

i made it to the gym last night!!!!!!!!!! yeah! yeah! yeah! I feel awsome! I feel great! It’s so amazing to have this back in my life again. I’m glad I didn’t give up….and I’m also quite happy they (the gym management) banned his sorry ass from the facility. So, I didn’t freak out, break down into tears…in fact, I think I passed as normal human being, through the gym doors and on my way to the locker room. yeah! yeah!

mark and i went over to the parkway to catch Charlie’s Angels: FULL THROTTLE. don’t expect an oscar masterpiece, people! This movie is all about the babes, the action, the kickbutting and smack downs, fashion, and girl power! Pizza and a glass of chardonay, topped off this evening.

it was like being on top of the world.

i also had a wierd dream last night. i was at work, doing laptop office hours. i guy brought in his “laptop” - it consisted of a yellow crate, with a hard drive, a video card, and a cd-rom (couldn’t tell if it was a CD-RW….but that’s beside the point) - somehoe attached with glue and duck tape. he wanted me to get this downloading tv and music software working on his machine. he said “i will be very disappointed with haas computing, if you can’t get this done.” remarkable, that insult didn’t bristle my skin, like it usually did in real life. so i got to work. i ejected the software from his cd-rom. he had several cd’s, stacked on top of each other, inside the drive. I asked him if he knew what he was doing and he said that’s how his system worked. he seemed so proud of this rag tag mess he lugged into the lab - as if it were state of the line. he also had a monitor with his “laptop” - i tried to browse the file system - but the monitor kept flashing tv images. apparently, he had his TV/video card plugged into a cable outlet. he said i should be able to work with the tv images - apparently, he did it all the time. i gave up working on it - and started asking him some technical questions. he didn’t read the manual for the software, didn’t care if it was illegal, and he got stumped when i asked him if he ran a compatibility test (i was actually talking about these tests with my co-workers, yesterday - apparently one of them installed xp on an old laptop, without checking for compatibility). he felt sheepish and said he’ll check with the manufacture of his “laptop”

more random thoughts….i’ll get back to my vacation blogging in a bit…still thinking about what to write

so - this is what I added to ediets, a while ago…thought it was interesting.

i just got back from some “cabining” in the calveras area…i know my buddies and i did a mess load of drinking….but thank goodness that was just one night for me. we did a great 15-20 minute hike, towards the upstream area of the stanislaus river. it was beautiful, sunny, and warm (at least 96 degrees). we also did some splashing around in some seriously cold river water.

so..that’s that.

it was drizzling when i came drove into work. this isn’t doing much for my sunny disposition.

The last major vacation I had was back in the summer of 1999 - when I visited my family in the Philippines. It was a real, take-a-plane, leave Cali for a few weeks - type of event. I was thrilled to have the chance to do another big vacation, a few weeks ago…..

On 7.10.03 - I left Oakland Airport and headed for Buffalo, NY - to check out Western NY, buffalo wings, Canada, and toss in a road trip to Chicago….

here’s what I remember:

jet blue is a great airlline for the cheap cheap traveler…..yeah, no rubber chicken or any inflight meal (just inflight snacks). direct tv is a lovely addition to any trip….I read that Southeast Airlines plans on offering free wireless service and cell phone coverage on their flights as well. Hmmm - faced between a choice of mystery meat meals or wireless internet access - I choose technology. For this trip, I knew my tummy would grumble - so I picked a package of cup of noodles. Later in the flight, I asked for two cups of hot water - and voila! I had a hot meal on Jet Blue

We got into Buffalo International around midnight. Mark and I were still boppin’ around because of the time difference. We stayed at the house his mom was housesitting, at.

Why are we in Buffalo? Well - Mark’s cousin was joining up with Marines - this was the last chance to catch him before he’s shipped out to boot camp. Plus, well, I’ve never been - never met the rest of his family (let’s see, his parents and his cousin Tom and his wife came out here to Cali, in the past few years - i also met his uncle and family down in Riverside County). Plus Buffalo is about an 8 hour road trip away from Northwestern University, in Chicago, IL. So, I figured I could do the meet-the-family bit and check out a journalism grad school in one trip. Plus Mark wanted to take me over to Toronoto, his alma matter - University of Buffalo, and the Niagara Falls. We had 11 days to pack all that in….No prob.

It was a fun, exhausting, at times exasparating (weather, and other extenuating circumstances), yummy, amazing, and fun trip.

Everyone in Western NY told me that it’s typically hot and muggy at this time of the year. Apparently, I brought over the leftover rain from the bay area. I would say it poured for about 50% of the trip. Thanks goodness we had some clear skies for checking out Niagara Falls.

On our first full day in NY - we did Mark’s drive down memory lane. It was neat to see his highschool, elementary school, and the house he grew-up in. The part of NY was covered with barns and farmland. I don’t remember seeing so much front lawn space, in Cali. I think Mark also enjoyed telling my about his pre-California years….pointing out places where he had his prom happenings….the tree he planted on the highschool grounds….hot dogs that whistle when they’re hot and ready to eat.

We also visited Mark’s grandmother (on his Dad’s side). His cousin’s were quite adorable - and fun to play with. I got build lego people, play an old Philippino shell game (I think the version they had was an African one), and take my first pix of Mark’s baby pictures….he was such a cute kid. What happened? Just kidding

On our first night in Western NY - we hit downtown Buffalo and the Chippewa - we checked out an Irish Rock band concert - did a lot of drinking - had yummy yummy hoagies at Jim’s Steakout - did more drinking - took pix with strangers - chowed down on pizza slices - more pictures - more drinking….and eventually, I passed out at some bar.

I think this pix was shot when we were waiting to play darts…yeah like I could play darts in this condition. Outside, we had an interesting conversation with the bouncer about a new law winding it’s way through NY bars - as of 7.24.03 - smoking would be prohibited in all bars.
According to WOKR-TV news - one establishment has already been slapped with a fine for failing to enforce the smoking ban.

and this was just the first day and night….

argh….lost access to my damn workstation - after installing adobe acrobat messenger.

kiss my ass….

now i have to do a damn re-install of windows xp, just to access my machine.

yes, i’m pissed off, in a royal way

a few people invited me to this already:
Friendster - Home

It’s pretty frickin’ buggy….took me forever to get my profile and pix uploaded….plus another 20 minutes to approve my friend.
> Friend Requests
Error: Not allowed.
You have 1 new friend requests to confirm!

When that actually worked - I got this email:

Subject: Friendster: Mike is now your friend!

gee, thanks.

it was a fun trip…damn exhausted, with a touch of the sniffles. jet lag is getting to me and I haven’t be productive at work…not one bit.

i’ll try to write more when my head doesn’t want to implode.

so…i had a melt down last night…..a lot of little things just triggered all my insecure little twitches and snowballed into something I didn’t want to face….

• yeah….there was the hand holding thing….
• there’s our freakin’ budget at work (see the email I copy/pasted - just got it today)
• and my poor friend, forgot to buy a tix for me - when we headed out to see T3

if I was normal, this wouldn’t have gotten to me. But, being a half a human being….(the other half - pure fucking self-loathing and despair) - it was difficult to handle. It was even more difficult, to stop myself from taking these random coincidences, personally.

But I did.

ever since my bad bad dream….from Saturday night….every little thing that goes wrong, has been nipping at my sanity. i dreamt that i was forgotten, by everybody I walked with….i bent down to tie my shoelaces, and then when I got back up again….everybody has moved on. They didn’t realize I needed to stop and tie my shoe laces. I couldn’t catch up - didn’t have the heart to, after seeing how happy everyone was, walking without me.

All, just little things….really. Shitty customers, giving up the public affairs department, giving up my newsmagazine. It’s like being a lame duck - before my next big thing. I’ve stripped myself of a lot of responsiblities and that’s a good thing, because who needs to worry about being accountable for shows screwing up and for sinking or swimming with the department…..not me. But, gosh, it’s also an empty feeling, because I identified so much with being a leader at the station.

Same thing at work, just doing what I can to get by, really. Before Dec. I don’t feel the same ambition to get tech certified in anything. I just want to do my part well. But, without that ambition - it also comes with the whole, I feel insignificant around here…..and it doesn’t help that I didn’t get admin leave with pay. It doesn’t seem right or fair, or anything. Yeah, that’s been haunting me for a bit…..how a criminal gets more benefits than the victim.

i did a swing dancing class last month. one chick and myself came without a friend to partner up with…..so did three other guys….two of whom were our age….so the young guys went up to the skinny skinny asian chick. nobody wanted to dance with me, the transfatty chick. So, yeah, that burnt - hard. Thankfully, I have mad skills at ballroom dancing….I took a few classes before. I was partnered up with a guy, old enough to my grandfather. He was nice about it. It was nice to focus on dancing, instead of flirting…..but after I left the class, I was still smarting from being left alone, on the first dance. Furthermore, the grandfather dude, didn’t even chose to dance with me. The instructor had to tell him to partner up with me, the transfatty chick.

So, a lot of little things - just built up to yesterday’s big blow out for me. I hoped that watching T3 would be entertaining enough to pull me out of my doldrums. But, when we met up at the theater, I found out that my friend forgot to buy a ticket for me….only two for the two guys with me. Yeah, I was falling apart at the moment. I hope they couldn’t tell. I knew in my heart it was no big deal. Really. It could have happened to any of us. so, i told the guys to grab me a seat. i needed to make a phone call. they did. i called Wes. he wasn’t there. and Betina and Steph…well, they’re not in town. what did I have left?

a dirty vodka martini with three olives.

Ingredients:
1 1/2 oz. Vodka
Splash of Olive juice
Dry Vermouth (if desired)

there was a bar, next to the theater. i figured one more drink would numb out all the tears i couldn’t stop from pouring. i already had a beer from Raleighs. I knew that I couldn’t stop from melting down into my own pool of self-loathing. I could either call somebody and ask them to weather the storm with me. I could face it on my own, my feel my heart break, my mind go insane, and my dignity stripped of respect. Or, I could drink. It numbs it all for me. When I melt down and I’m drunk - it doesn’t hurt so much. When I’m drunk, I don’t have inhibitions and I don’t care if I look stupid. I stop caring about myself when I’m drunk. When I’m drunk, it doesn’t matter if I’m miserable because everything gets fuzzy. It’s an escape. It’s an escape from myself, from what I’ve experience and from the pain.

so, I took the drink. Thank god, nobody wanted to talk to me - because I wasn’t in the mood. I guess looked miserable enough to scare off any good intentions. I only had one drink. Then I went back into the theater. I missed all the damn previews. Mark offered some soda. I was feeling the buzz. The opening credits, voice narration, machines killing human…….ok, the killing and blood and violence got to me. Shocked me out of the buzz……flinching in my seat…..the tears coming out. went to the bathroom….tried to compose myself - which is the fucking antithesis to getting drunk. went back to my seat. a few hahaha laughs as arnie tried to deliver deadpan comedy. apparently, this is a different model from the one john conner partnered up with in T2 - he comes with a psychology program. ok - found the mom’s grave - filled up with weapons. i knew more violence was coming. more gun fire. more blood. i leaned over and told mark to find me in a bar. i left the theater.

so, i got back to the business of getting drunk. an a’s game was on the tv. another dirty vodka martini. more calm. more buzzed. and i found two folks from mike’s engagement party. neat. we talked for a bit, about chicago and prepping for the cold cold weather. it was just nice to chill with people who didn’t know me well - talking about normal things. gosh that was nice….even talking about mike’s chronicle of wedding plans in his blog. that was nice. walter and sandra left for the karoke night, downstairs. some guy bought me a drink….walter assured me he was a good guy. we ended up talking about movies and sci-fi books. mark and gau finished the movie and found me. they wanted to talk and eat. i was slipping from the buzz, to the despair part of drinking. tried chilling at Mel’s.

the waitress followed me into the bathroom, with a glass of water. she said my friends were worried about me. i thanked her. i started freaking out in the bathroom - something about the fluorescent lights intensified the self-loathing. i got out of there and out of mels….headed for sun hong kong. called wes. he said he’d meet me there.

got a table for two. ordered veggie dumplings. veggie fried rice. the tea was nice. mark and gau got to the resturant first. they thought i went to cafe jun. we got a bigger table. wes came - he had a perl milk tea. i was miserable and i had these three amazing guys, there with me. that was nice. i wish, at the time, i could see how much they cared…..i couldn’t see beyond the pain. when i think back, i’m grateful i wasn’t alone.

if anything, i think my sobbing ruined everybody’s appetite for Chinese food.

and here’s the email I got this morning

In an effort to get more information to the campus community, U.C. Berkeley has set up the following web site:
http://www.berkeley.edu/news/budget/
I encourage you to check there regularly for updates on the budget situation.

well - before i get any more depressing….here’s something funny:

Super Karate Monkey posted this bit about a Trogdor reference in the very last episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer…..

It figures Trogdor would make it as a character in a D & D game….

now on to a sad revelation….

it really doesn’t matter, does it? no matter what i do - i’m stuck with the trauma….and he’s out there. it doesn’t matter how normal i act, because there’s always one more rug for someone to pull, to bring me down, to pull my world apart. there’s nothing i can say, to make people understand how fucked up i am - and when it comes down to it….i don’t think many people would listen….unless i pay them, like my therapist - or they’ve been my friends before i graduated from college. those people….three…..three people in the world can actually listen and be non-judgemental of me, when i fall apart.

lack of caffeine - not good for a gal who’s use to brewing up 16 oz. of loose leaf tea in the morning….with sugar or cream…..

but i thought i had enough energy to move around and work….nah…..not enough….

also feeling a bit abandoned…..it sucks when somebody tries to let go of your hand, when you’re walking together…..i remember having to do that with Damian, back when we worked at Disneyland together.

we were both cast members and we were kinda seeing each other….Disneyland considered any area were the customers roamed, to be “on stage” - and cast members were suppose to be un-attached……i remember several cast members would signal to Damian and me to un-hand each other, as we approahed the stage doors….it was funny, but also kinda sad. sure, cast members could flirt with each other on stage - it was just friendly talk…..

but no holding hands. you could get into serious trouble for it all.

i didn’t think i worked at Disneyland anymore.

i guess it doesn’t matter.