(from m-w.com)
Main Entry: lach·ry·mose
Pronunciation: -”mOs
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin lacrimosus, from lacrima
Date: circa 1727
1 : given to tears or weeping : TEARFUL
2 : tending to cause tears : MOURNFUL
- lach·ry·mose·ly adverb
- lach·ry·mos·i·ty /”la-kr&-’mä-s&-tE/ noun
feeling raw - beaten up - used…
everything was going just fine for our demo last night - it was a last minute thing because i skipped the demo practice on Sunday. I just wanted to help out. we went down to Clark Kerr for the demo - right after practice, set-up our puzzle mats (it really looks like you’re putting a puzzle together….for a really big, stupid giant), warmed up…..
everything was cool…..we decided to let Dr. Link talk first. I kinda wanted us to get the demo thing out of the way - didn’t want to go cold. I didn’t realize that there may have been another major reason to go first. Dr. Link talked about self-defense. The dorm students were entertained by his rhetoric. He was really good at making his talk personal - signally people out in the crowd, weaving in his own funny anecdotes. Then he started talking about rape - the different types of it…..he talked about having a plan - that this was the best self-defense.
I felt horrible. All my horrible memories resurfaced. Sometimes I feel I’m cursed with having such easy access to my memories. Kinda like a backwards Cassandra. I had problems breathing, felt my heart racing. I stepped out of the room and broke down in tears, just outside. I could still hear his voice going on about rape. I couldn’t hear much of the content. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I fraud I was - to practice martial arts and self-defense and totally failing at it’s application - at practicing it in real life. I kept cursing myself for letting this horrible invasion happen - for not doing anything…..I stepped back into the room - it was warm…hardly any ventilation - but it was good for keeping your muscles ready. Then Dr. Link reached the part in his speech about acquaintance rape. I stepped outside again. It was a lukewarm night. Best of all, I was alone and I could cry on my own…..I stepped back inside, trying to breathe deeply - trying to stop shaking - trying to get my heart to stop racing. I felt so exposed - there’s the fraud walking around in her uniform - what the hell does she know….Elaine saw that I was shook up. She knows what happened to me and she asked if the talking got to me. I nodded. She wanted to know if I could do this demo. I said I would be fine, once I started moving again and got my adrenaline pumping. Some other folks noticed I was disturbed-looking - they asked if I could still do this. I told them I was fine. Elaine grabed both my hands and shaked me - pumping her good will into my shattered soul. It helped. I did the demo - got smacked around - survived.
Dropped off some club members at the RSF - afterwards. Cried all the way home. In the middle of the hysteria - I figured I should ask Dr. Link what parts of self-defense he was going to cover, the next time I do one of these things. At least I’ll be prepared to step outside, without losing my composure.
got home and found my neighbor’s cat - “KitKat” - welcoming me. I was so touched to have this sweet litle cat, letting me pet her and showing me affection - unconditionally. If I shared this pain with a human being, pretty much any of my friends, Mark, my therapist, my family - I would be subjected to some judgement and un-wanted advice.
“it’s in the past - you should get over it…….you decide how you’re going to react to these things…..you should accept what happened and move on….”
all these should have’s creeping into the conversation - i didn’t need to hear any of that. not last night. i needed to take care of myself - because no one else will (they’re too busy giving me advice, trying to solve my problems, trying to fix me, make me normal). I took a hot shower, read my JD Robb book, rubbed aspercreame into my bruises and back. when i was back in the house - I saw KitKat sitting out in the middle of the empty street - looking up at me. I’d like to think she was there, watching me and making sure I was ok.
just got off the phone with my detective….she just heard back from police in hawaii - apparently, since May 19th - these people didn’t have any working fax machines - they weren’t giving any indications whether he has a history of this assualt. but they finally got back to her. she’s meeting with the DA next week….God, I need some resolution.
all cameos
