Queenkv’s Brainpickings

my therapist is thrilled I don’t hit the bottle for any comfort from these really low moments in my life……

shopping helped - but I don’t like the idea of dropping $30 for a new car charger. What the hell?

read thru some old old emails…….back when Mark didn’t know what it was like to be hurt by me…..

i feel so worthless right now. i really do. no matter how many times i bend over backwards for my job - it’s never enough. sometimes it feels like i’m going to slip through the cracks, like a faint memory…..that’s all i’ll ever be here - and it really doesn’t matter how much heart and worry i put into this job. it really doesn’t matter.

a year ago - i thought i was stuck here - in this limbo - unable to make enough to break free and no creditials to propel me into a dream job…..now, i’m posied to leave Berkeley behind and start a new life in Chicago. It’s scary and exciting - but it’s better than feeling like I have no where else to go. I’m grateful to feel those moving anxieties - I’m thrilled to have those new-person jitters - in a city where I probably don’t know anybody. It’s better than the limbo - a place I was almost resigned to. I was almost able to imagine a few more years of working my ass off at a job that isn’t a career to me. I was almost able to picture my life - struggling to make ends meet and starving my soul of any passionate endeavors. I was almost able to seeing my youth slip away without taking any more risks on my dreams.

Thank God - I couldn’t stand to let that happen to me.

Yeah, I know I am going to flush hundreds of dollars into Northwestern, in the next month or so - money that I’m running quite thin on. I know I am going to be living with jitters and nerves as I feel my way through a new school, a new city, a new life. I know it won’t be easy. Life isn’t fair. But fuck it - that doesn’t mean I can give up. I won’t give up.

My family believes in me.

Mark has faith in me.

I’m starting to see that I will survive the Chicago winter. More than that - I’m going to bloom.

Just wait.