Queenkv’s Brainpickings

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I read earlier this morning, in 365 Mary, about messages from God. Well, I had a bunch of quesitons yesterday and I couldn’t hear the answers. I guess it was because I couldn’t hear anything over my crying.

I was able to keep up with class, but I think I need some help with those rusty gates. Sometimes I forget to breathe, when I’m struggling with a pose. As the instructor flitted from mat to mat, improving our stance and pulling us into position, she said, “This side knows about strength.” Despite my twisted back and arms akimbo, that statement warmed me. I felt my heart sigh.

It clicked for me - regardless of my frustration and helpnessess - this painful, unwanted episode in my life has not taken away my strength. I can cry for my innocence trampled on. I can scream at a legal system that lets these cases fall into a vaccum. But it won’t break me. I will be happy, because I am strong. I bitch often. I whine about being alone in Chicago. I weep for being touched against my will. I still punish myself for doing nothing. I am strong. I know it. I believe it.

One year ago, a sick man sexually assualted me. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong. In the end, I guess it doesn’t matter. He’ll fuck up someday. I’m getting married. My brother has a good job and he’s going back to school. My family is doing fine. I’m following my dreams. I am more than just a victim. I’m a queen.

I’ll be fine. It’s okay if God doesn’t answer my questions. I’ll try to stay open to his will. I’ll pray for understanding and patience.

After yoga, I went to choir rehersal for Easter Sunday mass. While we flipped through the books and our director discussed chord changes and fussed with the soloists, the piano player and cello player goofed off with some clever renditions on the Real Slim Shady, Closing Time and the Super Mario Bros. theme. The piano player even found a key tinkling to replicated the sound for Mario grabbing coins in the game. The guitar players chimed in with the theme played when Mario goes underground.

Then when our director mused about a song for offering, the cello player and piano player broke out with “Stairway to Heaven.” She rolled her eyes and the choir laughed. I pointed out that the title had “Heaven” in it. She announced, “Ladies and gentleman, we now have Led Zeppelin for our Offertory hymn.”

She said eight years ago, at the 9:00 pm mass, during the preperation of the gifts, the musicians worked in rendition of the BeeGee’s “How Deep is Your Love.” Apparently, they had a young crowd in the chapel and nobody recognized the tune. Well, nobody except for the priest who presided at that mass. He told the choir director next day. The musicians claimed the readings were about love and that the song fit. The director said, ok, don’t do that again.

Still, that was funny.

Oh no that the joke was on me

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A GIRLY-GIRL. You dont have a lot of self-esteem
and people are always bringing you down for
being sad. What do they know, anyway? You feel
like youre too mature for your age and are
frustrated by the trend-followers who refuse to
accept you because youre not like them.
Your virtues: Intelligence, understanding nature,
modesty.
Your flaws: Lack of social life, inferiority
complex, timidity..

What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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i woke up at 6 this morning, thinking that would be enough time to finish my readings and bone up for the econ quiz. no, of course not. if i was up at 4…maybe. but then, i would be waiting for my papers since they don’t get up to my room until 6:30.

i tried meeting with folks who wanted to invest real money into the stock market. only 4 people showed up. this was disheartening as well, because it didn’t show much inititative on people’s part about this investment. i understand people have other things to take care of, but i would have never tried to organize something like this, if i had a clue that people would leave me holding the bag.

then i tried to sign up for a yoga class today and the membership office closed early for Good Friday. Why should staff members get a day off from Northwestern and not students? The office didn’t bother posting signs that they would be closed either at the gym or online or on their answering machine. That made me a bit upset. The supervisor wrote a note for the yoga instructor, to let me in for tomorrow morning’s class. She explained that the i was unable to pay, since the membership office closed early. I hope they give me a break, because at this time, i’m pretty darn close to finding another yoga class, outside of Northwestern. I suspect I may get upset if I show up at the gym tomorrow at 8:00 AM and be turned away, because the instructor doesn’t trust my little note.

God, I could have used a break this week…..I am grateful for getting an article into a newspaper….That was cool…..But God, it would have been nice to go through this triduum without feeling so rushed, helpless and alone. God, even though I did not want to, I showed up for Holy Thursday and did the choir thing. I apologize for bringing my tainted self into your church. I’m sorry for not being good enough and I’m sorry for screwing up the latin words. I didn’t mean any disrespect or harm. But I didn’t know those last closing hymns. We didn’t do them at my old churches. I’m sorry for feeling so much rage against you and the world.

But isn’t it understandable? You let him off. You let him get away with this. I don’t understand. Why is he innocent of hurting me? Even the officer who took down my report found it to be a crime to sexually assault someone with a foreign object. Why is it ok for this monster to continue and hurt women, same way he violated me? Why? Why am I the only one in this sick episode suffering? Why does life go on? Especially for him? Is it because he thinks he had consent? Is that why you could forgive him? Is it because he didn’t mean any harm? Just as long as he got off, he’s allowed to touch me in that shamefulway?

Is it because in his slimy way, he apologized on that day, one year ago, and asked me to keep this between us? And that he hoped this didn’t change our relationship?

You fell for that?

Is justice out of style? Don’t you remember all those passages in the Hebrew Testament - striking down the enemies of the children of Israel? Do you expect me to love this monster? To love my enemy? Even if he belives in his sick mind that he didn’t do anything wrong? I can’t do that. I can’t forgive him and I don’t think I’m wrong in holding a grudge.

I have to keep this a secret from my parents and my brother. I’m terffied of losing their respect over this. I don’t want them to look down on me. I worked too damn hard to gain their respect. I know how they feel about rape vicitms. Even my mom said that those women had it coming to them. I don’t want her to say the same thing about me. If the DA could have pressed charges, at least it may have been easier to tell my family…..but now….hell….if the DA can’t believe in the validity of my case, I don’t think my parents and my brother can believe in my innocence.

ok…if that’s how it has to be….ok….bring it on. bring it on. I’ve been saying this all day, God….go ahead…bring it on. I’ve been through hell. I’ve fallen into such shame and loathing for myself. But I keep climbing out of this pit. I don’t know when I could give myself a break. I don’t think I can even talk to people at this school….and I don’t want to start over the therapy and get into my past…..that would be too draining. So go ahead. Bring it on. Let’s see how much I can handle before I break down again. But it’s only temporary, I survive. I will be happy. Even today, I was able to walk home with Mark, on my phone. Despite the crap that I had to put up with, I found away to feel loved and decent for a few minutes.

What else can you throw at me?

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from St. Louis, Missouri…..

day four of my cross-country road trip - LA to Chicago

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