today was just a bad and a annoying day….it ended with a few tears….i wish i didn’t get so worked up when things don’t go my way….but it’s been an emotional week.
i was late for class. i talked to my roommate a little longer than plan, but she wanted advice on renting a room, out of the dorms. then i tried to drop off my dorm applications for the summer quarter and found out i had to drop $300 as another room deposit. so, that made me late and downright flustered. i didn’t budget to drop that much money for the spring quarter.
i woke up at 6 this morning, thinking that would be enough time to finish my readings and bone up for the econ quiz. no, of course not. if i was up at 4…maybe. but then, i would be waiting for my papers since they don’t get up to my room until 6:30.
i tried meeting with folks who wanted to invest real money into the stock market. only 4 people showed up. this was disheartening as well, because it didn’t show much inititative on people’s part about this investment. i understand people have other things to take care of, but i would have never tried to organize something like this, if i had a clue that people would leave me holding the bag.
then i tried to sign up for a yoga class today and the membership office closed early for Good Friday. Why should staff members get a day off from Northwestern and not students? The office didn’t bother posting signs that they would be closed either at the gym or online or on their answering machine. That made me a bit upset. The supervisor wrote a note for the yoga instructor, to let me in for tomorrow morning’s class. She explained that the i was unable to pay, since the membership office closed early. I hope they give me a break, because at this time, i’m pretty darn close to finding another yoga class, outside of Northwestern. I suspect I may get upset if I show up at the gym tomorrow at 8:00 AM and be turned away, because the instructor doesn’t trust my little note.
God, I could have used a break this week…..I am grateful for getting an article into a newspaper….That was cool…..But God, it would have been nice to go through this triduum without feeling so rushed, helpless and alone. God, even though I did not want to, I showed up for Holy Thursday and did the choir thing. I apologize for bringing my tainted self into your church. I’m sorry for not being good enough and I’m sorry for screwing up the latin words. I didn’t mean any disrespect or harm. But I didn’t know those last closing hymns. We didn’t do them at my old churches. I’m sorry for feeling so much rage against you and the world.
But isn’t it understandable? You let him off. You let him get away with this. I don’t understand. Why is he innocent of hurting me? Even the officer who took down my report found it to be a crime to sexually assault someone with a foreign object. Why is it ok for this monster to continue and hurt women, same way he violated me? Why? Why am I the only one in this sick episode suffering? Why does life go on? Especially for him? Is it because he thinks he had consent? Is that why you could forgive him? Is it because he didn’t mean any harm? Just as long as he got off, he’s allowed to touch me in that shamefulway?
Is it because in his slimy way, he apologized on that day, one year ago, and asked me to keep this between us? And that he hoped this didn’t change our relationship?
You fell for that?
Is justice out of style? Don’t you remember all those passages in the Hebrew Testament - striking down the enemies of the children of Israel? Do you expect me to love this monster? To love my enemy? Even if he belives in his sick mind that he didn’t do anything wrong? I can’t do that. I can’t forgive him and I don’t think I’m wrong in holding a grudge.
I have to keep this a secret from my parents and my brother. I’m terffied of losing their respect over this. I don’t want them to look down on me. I worked too damn hard to gain their respect. I know how they feel about rape vicitms. Even my mom said that those women had it coming to them. I don’t want her to say the same thing about me. If the DA could have pressed charges, at least it may have been easier to tell my family…..but now….hell….if the DA can’t believe in the validity of my case, I don’t think my parents and my brother can believe in my innocence.
ok…if that’s how it has to be….ok….bring it on. bring it on. I’ve been saying this all day, God….go ahead…bring it on. I’ve been through hell. I’ve fallen into such shame and loathing for myself. But I keep climbing out of this pit. I don’t know when I could give myself a break. I don’t think I can even talk to people at this school….and I don’t want to start over the therapy and get into my past…..that would be too draining. So go ahead. Bring it on. Let’s see how much I can handle before I break down again. But it’s only temporary, I survive. I will be happy. Even today, I was able to walk home with Mark, on my phone. Despite the crap that I had to put up with, I found away to feel loved and decent for a few minutes.
What else can you throw at me?
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