Queenkv’s Brainpickings

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there are some girls who felt bad my wallet was stolen. others actually lent me some cash so i could afford to take the el train down to the newsroom. i felt so ashamed to ask for these loans….but it was no big deal. i also paid them back when i got my new check card.

one girl made some peanut butter munchies and offered me some….she wanted to make sure i was ok….she was one of the only people who asked me if I got everything back….i was touched.

another girl was concerned about my eating habits. she read i wasn’t eating last quarter….she e-mailed me some good advice on making meals. she also followed-up with a phone call to make sure i know she cares.

so….i needed to get those angry words out last night….but i also recognize that everyone here does not hold any true malice….i’m paranoid and i expect the worse. some folks have been truly sympathetic. those who are wrapped up in their own problems are not bad people. they just have difficulty seeing things from another pair of eyes.

so - it’s like the real world - people who care and people who don’t know how to care about anybody other than themselves.

it’s ok. i’m fine.

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it’s not just my broadcast class….

honestly….the only reasons people talk to me:

1. I’m good with computers and editing
2. I have a car which translates into free transportation to Evanston and beyond
3. I’m a fucking doormat

Without these qualities - nobody would give a shit about me. Nobody would know I’m here.

With computers and stuff like that….I love techie stuff and it’s fun to show people how to use the equipment….I do my best not to get on a snotty teacher kick - because I’m working with my peers….some people get really obnoxious when it comes to demonstrating computer stuff and for someone who has actually made a living in tech support - it’s down right irritating…I remember showing a girl how to do a screen capture on a PDF. She was happy….another self-proclaimed techie felt the need to point out to me that the screen capture could be done in a different way. Why did she do that? It sounded really snotty…but she’s not like that….she just wants to help - I know….but why do I bother helping if she could have done it a better way?

With my car….I don’t like taking the el train at night. That’s why I drive to my Monday evening class in the Chicago newsroom. It’s not big deal to give people rides - because these girls live in the same area as me….I don’t ask for gas or parking money. It’s not a big deal. But I remember one girl complaining about picking me up from Midway….she’s very open with me and she felt the need to let me know that she spent quite a few hours in rush hour traffic after the last time she dropped me off at the airport. I felt horrible to do that to another human being. I’m glad she let me know….so that I won’t ask her to drop me off at the airport anymore. I don’t want to be a burden….however - there’s also a bit of discrepency in the conversation flow on this car rides….Whether I’m the driver or the passenger - I’m always the active listener…When she drove me back from the airport - she determined the conversation would be about the progress she made on her news stories, men and her hang-ups on dating. For the last few Mondays - she determined the conversation would be about ideas for her next news story and men…..Does this seem fair? When I tried to jump into the conversation, while I was driving - she snapped at me for cutting her off….how the fuck am I suppose to engage in that type of dialogue?

so…now I know….whenever anybody in the car asks “how are you doing?” i answer “fine….”

because nobody cares if I have drama in my life…..they’re too busy discussing the most important thing in the car: themselves

doormat.
that’s what I am…if you couldn’t tell from my attempts to talk in my own car. we’re taught to hunt down the news and for many people in this program - the most important piece of news has to revolve around themselves. And they feel the need to shove it in everybody’s face.

My wallet was stolen this summer. Some asshole or bitch took my cards and rang up a fortune.

I am terribly homesick. Mark and my family are 2000 miles away and I have no support group and no one I can turn to if I lose a grip. I almost lost it when I didn’t have my cell phone because I felt so cut off from Mark and family. I felt more alone and there were times when I didn’t think I could stay strong. There were times when I wanted to quit this program and go home.

I drink in my dorm room, by myself, to numb the pain of being alone.

I still have problems dealing with stories about rape….i remember grabbing lunch before my friend took me to the airport…somehow…she got on the subject of a rock band. they took a girl into the bathroom and raped her, one by one….i told her to drop the subject. she knows what happened to me….but even though she heard me she couldn’t stop talking…it’s like she was compelled to finish this story that was so painful for me to hear….painful because i can imagine….painful because i know what it’s like to be taken against my will….and she couldn’t stop….she apologized…and that’s fine…but why couldn’t she just drop the story? it was like - it was more important that she tell me this story than my own feelings.

last week….i was an anchor…..i was shaking when i had to read a story on the kobe bryant case…..it’s still hard to deal….

I’m terrified of flunking out of Medill….I already got one god-damn C and if I get another one - the school will kick me out.

i can’t talk to anybody in my program about these worries and fears. most likely they would change the subject to something more important: themselves. shit….i forgot about where i stood in this place….i make a better priest than a friend to most people here.

I have issues….I talk to Mark everynight and he keeps me sane….I keep in touch with David, Jennie and Wes and they make me smile. My parents look out for me, even though I’m an adult now. These people care….I tell them the truth when the ask “how are you doing?”

I’m grateful I can turn to them.

Why do I keep trying to fit-in when people here don’t care about what happens to me? I timed out some of these conversations…with one girl - we can spend anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour talking about her news stories, men and some guy she has a hang-up on….in our phone conversations, i get about 15 minutes of talk time.

so…i’m doing fine….because that’s all they want to hear from me.

thank God…i’m going home on Thursday.

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i’m going home on Thursday….I can’t wait….it felt like the time in class moved so slowly….now I’m running out of time for my homework, my immgrant interview and other academic work.

felt like shit yesterday afternoon - i went in to help out on the show…one guy promised to call me about the happy hour gig - which would let everyone watch the chicago broadcast at 6:30, after the taping….i dove into rebuilding my blog. when i looked up at the time…it was 7:00….he never called….wow….i felt so shut out by my broadcast crew.

a few minutes later - another student outside of broadcast im-ed me. she invited me to go out with some other folks for ice cream. i was touched. i didn’t have dinner yet, so i declined….i also felt pretty shitty - so i didn’t want to inflict my bad vibes on them….still….it’s sad i feel more welcomed by the print/magazine/new media students…more so than my own broadcast crew.

if you listen carefully….you’ll hear the sounds of romance…how many medill students are getting lucky this weekend? at least 5 couples….by my count. apparently - this weekend was “get-your-boyfriend-a-plane-ticket-to-chicago” weekend. yes - i’m happy the girls get to bask in some well-deserved cuddling with their honeys…..i’m also very jealous. i guess that’s natural…..i have to keep thinking about home….only five more days.

i can make it….

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egos…..the most arrogant class has to be my broadcast class…..so much gossip and so much stress….so much damn competition to be anchors….my professor e-mailed and asked if I wanted to anchor one of the Friday shows. I thought, maybe he saw my Tuesday anchor efforts and thought I was good enough to do the Friday shows…..these broadcasts are considered more prestigious because they’re longer and they go out to Evanston and Chicago viewers. When I told another student, she told me - “Oh, he must be giving everybody a chance.” I felt a bit dissed on, since she made it seem like he was only giving me a chance out of pity - and not based on my skill.

I hate that.

Mark pointed out to me that it doesn’t matter what people think…..it’s almost human nature to give a damn about their opinions, though.

Still, folks have given me props for producing and camera work. That’s cool…..some feel a bit intimitated that I can edit on the computer….one guy in paticular felt the need to express his love of AVID editing…..even though, he didn’t touch the machine after he went through the computer training……he has it in his head that he’s a natural at broadcast news……he feels like he has this talent for shooting……but when it came to my package….I only used about 1/8 of his shots……the majority of my b-roll came from my own shots……he didn’t get close enough to the subjects and he mistakenly thought he had a steady hand without a tripod. Big mistake….I feel uncomfortable pointing out his mistakes….

Mark was here last weekend….I miss him already. We bought ice cream on a Lake Miichigan beach and walked up to my classroom.

I miss California.

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