nobody cares…
a few words about Medill - I love the broadcast program - I love putting stories together before deadline - I love producing shows - I love learning from these amazing professors.
I am getting my money’s worth out here. I am growing as a journalist. I am gaining so many technical skills from this program and I know I will be ready for Reuters and DC.
but the students in the program….they’re driving me crazy….
it’s not just my broadcast class….
honestly….the only reasons people talk to me:
1. I’m good with computers and editing
2. I have a car which translates into free transportation to Evanston and beyond
3. I’m a fucking doormat
Without these qualities - nobody would give a shit about me. Nobody would know I’m here.
With computers and stuff like that….I love techie stuff and it’s fun to show people how to use the equipment….I do my best not to get on a snotty teacher kick - because I’m working with my peers….some people get really obnoxious when it comes to demonstrating computer stuff and for someone who has actually made a living in tech support - it’s down right irritating…I remember showing a girl how to do a screen capture on a PDF. She was happy….another self-proclaimed techie felt the need to point out to me that the screen capture could be done in a different way. Why did she do that? It sounded really snotty…but she’s not like that….she just wants to help - I know….but why do I bother helping if she could have done it a better way?
With my car….I don’t like taking the el train at night. That’s why I drive to my Monday evening class in the Chicago newsroom. It’s not big deal to give people rides - because these girls live in the same area as me….I don’t ask for gas or parking money. It’s not a big deal. But I remember one girl complaining about picking me up from Midway….she’s very open with me and she felt the need to let me know that she spent quite a few hours in rush hour traffic after the last time she dropped me off at the airport. I felt horrible to do that to another human being. I’m glad she let me know….so that I won’t ask her to drop me off at the airport anymore. I don’t want to be a burden….however - there’s also a bit of discrepency in the conversation flow on this car rides….Whether I’m the driver or the passenger - I’m always the active listener…When she drove me back from the airport - she determined the conversation would be about the progress she made on her news stories, men and her hang-ups on dating. For the last few Mondays - she determined the conversation would be about ideas for her next news story and men…..Does this seem fair? When I tried to jump into the conversation, while I was driving - she snapped at me for cutting her off….how the fuck am I suppose to engage in that type of dialogue?
so…now I know….whenever anybody in the car asks “how are you doing?” i answer “fine….”
because nobody cares if I have drama in my life…..they’re too busy discussing the most important thing in the car: themselves
doormat.
that’s what I am…if you couldn’t tell from my attempts to talk in my own car. we’re taught to hunt down the news and for many people in this program - the most important piece of news has to revolve around themselves. And they feel the need to shove it in everybody’s face.
My wallet was stolen this summer. Some asshole or bitch took my cards and rang up a fortune.
I am terribly homesick. Mark and my family are 2000 miles away and I have no support group and no one I can turn to if I lose a grip. I almost lost it when I didn’t have my cell phone because I felt so cut off from Mark and family. I felt more alone and there were times when I didn’t think I could stay strong. There were times when I wanted to quit this program and go home.
I drink in my dorm room, by myself, to numb the pain of being alone.
I still have problems dealing with stories about rape….i remember grabbing lunch before my friend took me to the airport…somehow…she got on the subject of a rock band. they took a girl into the bathroom and raped her, one by one….i told her to drop the subject. she knows what happened to me….but even though she heard me she couldn’t stop talking…it’s like she was compelled to finish this story that was so painful for me to hear….painful because i can imagine….painful because i know what it’s like to be taken against my will….and she couldn’t stop….she apologized…and that’s fine…but why couldn’t she just drop the story? it was like - it was more important that she tell me this story than my own feelings.
last week….i was an anchor…..i was shaking when i had to read a story on the kobe bryant case…..it’s still hard to deal….
I’m terrified of flunking out of Medill….I already got one god-damn C and if I get another one - the school will kick me out.
i can’t talk to anybody in my program about these worries and fears. most likely they would change the subject to something more important: themselves. shit….i forgot about where i stood in this place….i make a better priest than a friend to most people here.
I have issues….I talk to Mark everynight and he keeps me sane….I keep in touch with David, Jennie and Wes and they make me smile. My parents look out for me, even though I’m an adult now. These people care….I tell them the truth when the ask “how are you doing?”
I’m grateful I can turn to them.
Why do I keep trying to fit-in when people here don’t care about what happens to me? I timed out some of these conversations…with one girl - we can spend anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour talking about her news stories, men and some guy she has a hang-up on….in our phone conversations, i get about 15 minutes of talk time.
so…i’m doing fine….because that’s all they want to hear from me.
thank God…i’m going home on Thursday.
