i’m tired of being a cheerleader. i’m tired of looking for the fucking silver lining for myself - for everyone around me - for people on the other side of the country….
maybe for tonight…i can be the negative one. let’s try that…from the safety of my dorm room….i’m going to stew in my own self-pity…everyone else does it….maybe I should be like everyone else - my classmates, my professors, my co-workers, my boyfriend.
yeah. good idea. all the damn sugary postive vibes was giving me rotten teeth.
i guess that’s why I don’t smile with teeth whenever I’m on the anchor desk.
my class has de-evolved into the blame game….a scheduling snafu - thanks to some selfish moves - sent nearly all the women into a tailspin. people were just fed up with that and with each other. even our professors got into the blame game - naming people who were not in the newsroom to defend themselves….it was so fucking disturbing to see students and professors gossip openly in the news room about the other missing students. this is not high school people. shit.
i brought in bagels on our last day of beat reporting….i hoped that helped. i also told my professors that it was not cool to be talking smack about the missing students. one said he agreed with me - but the real world is like this. then i told him, just because the newsrooms in the real world operate like that - it doesn’t give us an excuse to copy them. in fact, it’s more of reason to behave in the professional manner that we could take into those real world newsrooms - with the hope of changing them. I know I sounded like Pollyanna - but shit….I didn’t want to be walking on egg shells during these last few weeks in Chicago.
my boyfriend is having problems at work. it also sounds like he’s stressing over our Europe trip. I try to remind about all the cool stuff we can do in Paris and London. He reminds me about the real world - about how hard it is to take off from work….about all the vacation days he needs to use….about the logistics…..and he’s stressed. in fact, i really don’t remember hearing any happy comments about this trip, from him. at least not in the last couple of weeks. he wants us to be together and speaks about that like it’s a slightly better alternative to what he’s going through right now in the bay area….and then he circles back to the stress in his life and how a lot of it is coming from getting ready to leave work behind.
he doesn’t have to leave work behind.
honestly, if this trip is so stressful for him - maybe he should stay in Berkeley. i don’t want to inflict any burdens on him. i don’t want to force him to go to Europe with me. I’ve been alone in Chicago for the last eight months. I can still be a lone.
i know he comes up when he can. i tried to invite him to our public showing for our final projects - at the end of this month. then he brought up the stress of leaving work for me and all the vacation days crap. i get it. he can’t keep flying up here…..but you know….i survived when i felt my world fell apart after some asshole/bitch took my wallet. i survived on my own. i thought…i thought if he couldn’t be here during the bad times, when i’m falling apart….maybe he could be here for the happy times, when i want him to see my work….when i want to introduce him to my class and professors…..so people won’t feel so fucking sorry for me….when i’m standing in a crowd of happy people, alone. when other couples are smooching and hugging and telling their partners how proud they are of their work….and a fucking party…where boyfriends and girlfriends will think the world of their broadcast sweeties and make the world revolve around them….when the girls in my class will feel like ladies….and i’ll be in corner somewhere….being fucking strong….drinking too much….trying to numb the pain….again.
so…yeah…i guess it’s not important.
another saturday night. i need a drink.
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