Queenkv’s Brainpickings

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Dear QT -

I’ve been thinking about you. You seem like a world away. Sara…i know your pain about the little one…in fact…i feel your pain…i’ll get into it in a bit…but i was afraid to share this episode with you. I figure you wouldn’t forgive me.

Your blog design - inspired me to do my own. Mark was by my side…telling me which colors work on this blog. The thing is…I know the html tags and I know how to make the plugins work. I suppose I’m good with coding. But I don’t have a good eye for colors - so that’s where Mark comes in. In fact - he wishes I could fix all the extra blank space in my top table…I’ll get around to it. And…I fixed my portal site and added my old journals sites from Cal.

Sara…I’m drunk. Finished a full bottle of yellow-tail - chardonnay…with hints of a honey after-taste. 750 ml. 13.5% alchie content. Mark didn’t join me…he’s trying to get over a cold and he doesn’t need the alchie to mess with the Tylenol cold.

Currently watching an episode of “Blind Date” - they’re taking a kick-boxing class…shouldn’t all blind dates start with a kick boxing class? I wish the dude in Chicago could take some type of martial arts course with you…he would see how beautiful you are under pressure - fighting - working out - and ready to take life on. He’s a fool. And girlfriend…what gf? She better be strong enough to risk his love. Sara - go for it until he tells you otherwise.

I took that chance…once in my life…I broke the heart of one good man - who stuck by me through thick and suicidal. I thought I had a chance with this LA boy…he was a co-worker and I spent too much time with him…jut graduated from college - thought I was going into a broadcast gig - until I got the better offer for a full-time job with my lab. So, this guy…I decided to break-up with my current boy…hell - if I was thinking about cheating on him - I better be honest.

So, I was honest with myself. I told my co-worker (who had a gf) - that I was interested him. I made him promise to never bring this up with me. He broke his promise - we took a road trip down to LA - one weekend. I got to see tge Dave Matthews Band - in a concert..This song hit me to the bones…
say good-bye

So here we are tonight, you and me together
The storm outside, the fire is bright
And in your eyes I see what’s on my mind
You’ve got me wild, turned around inside
And then desire, see, is creeping up heavy inside here
And do you feel the same way as I do now
Now let’s make this an evening
Lovers for a night, lovers for tonight
Stay here with me, love, tonight
Just for an evening
When we make our passion pictures
You and me twist up as secret creatures
And we’ll stay here
Tommorrow go back to being friends

And tommorrow
Back to being friends
Lovers…love…lovers
Just for tonight, one night…love you
And tommorrow say goodbye

He told me…during that long road trip from SF to LA - he said he was interested in me…but he had a gf - and he wanted to make things work with her…first.

My bro - he’s so wise…interpreted this to mean: this guy thought I was only second best…that I was a back-up…if anything happened to his gf - he would call me next.

I need my bro to tell me that. I needed a kick in the ass. I chopped my hair into a bob and started dating other men again - that’s how I ended up with Mark. Because I was willing to look past my own situation…and hope for something better. Mark’s wonderful.

He wants me to be the perfect bride…I don’t know if I could do that. I want to be me…myself…I want us to leave behind society definitions of what’s a bride and groom - I want us to enter this marriage as equals…maybe me wearing a drop-dead number in a white tux….but he doesn’t like the idea…still thinking about it…it seems like my mom’s under the impression that I won’t look good in a bridal gown until I lose 5 lbs. That’s when I get self-concious…I figure a pantsuit will make me look better with my extra weight.

Which brings me to birds…I used to have finches. Beautiful, chirping finches….I liked to hold them in my hand…I was only in jr. high. I didn’t know better…I held one in my hand….one night…we kept their cages in the fridge…I was a fucking fool…I should have let go of her…I didn’t. She stopped breathing….my dad quietly took her away…said it was an accident…I still wonder, to this day, if he believed that. I choked her to death. I still feel bad….trying not to punish myself…but I took a life.

So…I can understand if you don’t want to talk to me any more…I have killed a bird…

Life is hard now…trying to survive before graduation…

queenkv

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that piece of news shocked me….i thought we had more time…i thought the military wouldn’t deploy him until 2006….that’s what he told us.

i walked outside….didn’t take a coat with me…didn’t need one…the wine kept me warm enough and the news about my brother…well - it was difficult to think straight. it was almost as bad as hearing from Mark about Rafael dying.

outside - my dad told me my bro should be ok…he’s in charge of a bunch of other soliders…at least he wasn’t in the infrantry….but…i read, watch and listen to the news coming out of baghdad….i’ve learned that a bullet can’t tell the difference between a good man and a murderer - a bomb doesn’t care if you have the best of intentions or corrupt ones….and no one can explain to the men and women who attack u.s. armed forces that my brother has a heart and a soul and there are loved ones who will wait for him back home.

after the phone call…i couldn’t stop crying - my heart wanted to burst.

left the party early. told people i had to work….

i feel helpless….so helpless….also pretty darn selfish….he was suppose to play piano for my wedding….i wanted him to be there…with his girlfriend…dreaming of his own wedding one day.

i hate feeling helpless. one of the first thoughts that ran through my head was this episode of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” During this episode….the fab 5 helped a solider get ready for his wedding to his Columbian girlfriend. They put together this amazing care package, because the solider was scheduled to leave for Iraq, 2 weeks after the wedding. I want to do something like that for my brother….

i also wanted to march up to the White House and smack some sense into that administration. how can we have a commander in chief who has never fought (not fly some damn plane around like a fool) in combat? i wanted to plead with somebody in Congress to make some exception for my only brother. however….i also know that thinking like this doesn’t help my brother….mark pointed out to me that he was trained for this…that he wanted to do this….that he is capable of coming back to us in one piece. after thinking some more….it’s down-right insulting to my brother to expect the worst. he’s smart, dedicated, strong and compassionate. they need him in Iraq. they need him to make the choices to protect those other soliders. i believe in him. he won’t let abu grahib happen to his men.

pray….i can pray…..i don’t want to read about him in the Washington Post….I don’t want my family to get only his dog tags back. we have to be strong for him….despite all the chaos and terror that we feel….i know he needs us to be strong…to believe in him.

he will come back.

love will bring him back to us.

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Ran into an old friend from my Chicago Broadcast quarter. It always makes me feel a bit better seeing a familar face. I also felt an odd twist in the stomach…for her. Some folks had some bad experiences working with her last fall. It’s strange sitting in class, learning how to work as a “team” and use the cameras….and folks would use her as an “example.” They wouldn’t mention her by name but I knew…since the fall class was my Chicago Broadcast crew. I felt bad for her….but I also know she’s strong enough to take care of herself…and egocentric tendancies were her forte…so it probably doesn’t matter what other people say or think.

Had my first snowstorm in DC - this past weekend. Only a few feet. Not bad…but it felt like Chicago. On Saturday - we went to the store and stocked up on booze and food. We planned on holing up until the storm blew over. After fifteen minutes of shopping, we rolled the cart into the slush-snow lot….and found my car. After fifteen minutes, my car was covered in snow. I took that as a sign that I needed to get home.

A new defn. of cold - when your exposed face hurts from being numb and assulted by the assaulted by the unreasonably cold wind. That’s what it felt like this weekend. But last night, after working out at the Press Club - the cold was bearable. Odd…I’ve been living out here too long.

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Tony Cheng’s Seafood Restaurant (second floor) and his Mongolian Barbecue (first floor) had a dim sum menu - the cart service was only for the weekends. I think we were both surprised when the waitress was actually concerned about us having to wait for our dumplings to be steamed. Imagine. Back in London - at Aroma - the waitress couldn’t wait for us to leave . Apparently, there was a big group waiting for our table and the servers let us know we were holding up business.

Back in DC’s Chinatown, the waitress was sweet - kept us inform on the progress of our dim sum selections and totally took care of us… The dim sum….it was edible. I suppose I’m a bit spoiled - the Chinese restaurants in San Francisco and Oakland had tasty dim sum….At Tony Cheng’s - we had the shrimp dumplings, shrimp balls, shrimp and pork shui mai, steamed pork buns and egg custard tarts. I was a bit disappointed about getting our egg custards with the main course - I love how the crust flakes in your mouth right after they’re whipped out of the oven. But according to our waitress - they take a long time to prepare and she recomended ordering our desert at the same time as our lunch. The steamed shrimp ball had a fishy - icky taste. And of course, I bit into the shu mai, right after it was served - steaming hot….I had to do one of those gasping for cool air bits at the table. Really attractive stuff. Overall, the food was passable - not remarkable….I suppose the only reason we would come back is because we felt welcomed and were treated nicely. Couldn’t say the same about the Chinatown joints in London.

On MLK Holiday - I was in the mood to see “Hotel Rwanda” - but we took a nap and missed the film. So we did dinner at the Udupi Palace in Takoma Park. They have a branch in Chicago and I recognized it from a Medill Broadcast project. During our broadcast production quarter - we had to find something in Chicago/Evanston that our professors didn’t know about. Then we had to produce a SOT-type package…with interviews and b-roll. A year before, one group produced a video project on the Udupi restaurant on Devon. They showed us how the chef created these yummy Dosai dishes - they looked like crepes…but it’s made with rice dough stuff. After watching the package - I had a craving for dosai. I tried some in Berkeley - back in the summer. Good and filling. Now, on MLK - my dosai craving returned and I tried the paneer dosai - the India crepe stuffed with homemade cheese and bell peppers. It’s light and the cheese reminded me of an omlette dish. We also had pakoras for starters - breaded veggies. I tried a chilli pakora - the first time I willing bit into a chilli. My mouth didn’t explode and it had an interested, biting taste….kinda like when I have a nacho cheese craving…without the cheese. The Udupi Palace serves pure veggie cuisine and it’s sure to fill up the empty stomach. I was disappointed with the chai…but I guess I’m used to the super sweet tea served at Naan in Curry on Telegraph. So, I’m always expecting my chai to be sweet….still, I can always add sugar. Mark’s India coffee smelled great. I didn’t want to sip any of it. I didn’t want to stay wired and awake that evening.

One more…my Medill tuition covers a temporary membership at the National Press Club. The students in the newsroom decided to do the Pub Quiz last Thursday night. My team - “Three Blind Mice” - won four “Bowl Appetites”. Yum…the losing teams won $50-bottles of bourbon…something about being “first cask”. Ok…so before the Press Club - Mark and I wanted some happy hour grub. Lauren recomended Finemondo on Fth Street. The drinks were full price but they had 1/2 price appetizers and sandwiches. I had the salmon sandwich with arugola, roasted peppers and goat cheese. The half-sandwich covered a medium-sized plate. Another light and filling dish. It was an old crowd by the bar…so, when the old people strolled in, we shoved off for the Pub Quiz.

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the landlord for our London flat e-mailed the rental agency, Foxton’s. He told them everything was cool on the place and we should get our deposit…..he e-mailed Foxton’s the day before Christmas Eve….still - no money DON’T USE FOXTON’S - if you’re looking for a place to live in London. They steal your money.

Tried to im Mark at work - but he’s working….so…too busy to chat. Actually, we’re not allowed to im in the newsroom….but hey…I only heard it from another student - not the tech guy…so I’ll log in to AOL every now and then…to see if I want to talk to anybody….

I attended three different high schools in California. I remember starting at DBHS, in my hometown, as a junior. For the past two years, other DBHS students, my age, created memories together: fell in love, got into fights, got moody, got depressed, shared happy stuff, developed inside jokes and nicknames and grew-up - together. I knew some folks from junior high - but they ran with the honor class crowd….I had a boyfriend for about a week and then the bitch in choir stole him away.

Then I was alone. It’s so hard for me to talk to new people. Still is. Mark think it’s BS when I say so….but it’s true. I think about screwing up the chit chat and finding some way to offend new people….I also worry about sounding stupid and ditzy - I feel like a moron when folks can go off on a number of local issues, sports and jokes. I smile. I try to keep my cool. I try to remember to breathe.

The first few weeks as a junior at DBHS - I ate lunch on my own. I found a flight of stairs that connected the classrooms to the tennis courts. I found a spot and ate my sandwiches there. I brought a book from the library and caught up on Stephen King and VC Andrews. I once tried to find a spot of my own in the library - but it was packed with the other loners. So, I was even an outcast among the loners. Nice.

Then, I caught up on homework during lunch-time….Unlike the honor crowd who can finish a five page trig assignment in 30 minutes with time to spare for their favorite prime time programming - sometimes, I didn’t get around to working on the problem sets because I had skating sessions - before school and after school….and then I wanted to catch up on my favorite TV shows….so, I would save homework for lunchtime. It was an hour-long lunch, afterall. Besides, I had to finish my homework so that other students could ask me about the problem sets, when our next period started up. People liked to talk to me about homework…..they liked to look at my homework….they liked to ignore me when they were finished talking about homework.

I wondered how people got invited to lunch. I walked by groups lounging by the courtyard, outside the drama room, on the balcony overlooking the locker area….I walked by and stared straight ahead. I could still the see the cliches out of the corner of my eyes. Sometimes they appeared fuzzy, when I wore glasses.

I took dance for PE…..made friends with some sophmores in there…they had a tendancy to stand behind me while we learned new combinations….so they could copy my moves. I took drama as well. Met the thespians and they became my new lunch crew…..that happened in the spring semester. Before that….I ate lunch on my own….oh yeah….and two new guys found me by the stairs…we ended up reluctant lunch buddies and fast friends as seniors. One came out of the closet to me…the other became my prom date.

So…now…I have my lunch from home and I’m in front of my computer…checking e-mail and my aol im. I smile each time I can connect with a friend electronically….heck, I was bouncing out of my seat to get an e-mail from auntie. At least, people online seem interested in how I’m doing…..can’t say it’s the same for the folks who took off for lunch….

and I still wonder….how do I get invited to lunch?

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