Brain Pickings...

Nov. 19, 1998
Strange day. But I feel better about myself. So no more sad and depressing entries, uh, for about another week or so. Nah, I'm not pessimesstic, just realistic.
Let's see. We didn't have a real judo workout today. Yeah, i was bummed that I couldn't be violent, but I still had a chance to kick some butt. We did a lot of mat work (wrestling) and this time, we were not limited to weight. So, I was not limited to that one girl who's always afraid to be thrown. On top of all that, I pinned that one guy who kept saying that he couldn't fight girls because we're so little. I showed him that size didn't matter and I got him into a pretty painful choke hold. Yeah and this is the same guy who would be reaching for the damn ground when I tried to throw him. Wuss. I showed him. Wow, is that my testosterone talking? It was an interesting workout because there were plenty of guys giving me tips on how to pin the GSI leading the class. At least they were not malicious about it. However, since I was pretty violent about myself, they didn't give me a break. Bu that's what you need, right? To survive in martial arts, it's all about your killer instinct.
to be cont.
I am working on this at the center and for some reason, it feels like I"m the only working on this shift. Nah, I just got all the skills for this task, that's why everyone turns to me for help. Okay, there goes my ego again.
Oh, and remember that interesting, one hour conversation with my Classics professor? It turns out that he was practicing his bloody lecture for class. I would know because I heard the same damn conversation today in class, except without the curse words. So much for rommance. Okay, but he e-mailed me back about my comments on his webpage (you can find it on my links page). He said he liked my e-mail address/ great movie. Does anyone have a clue about what the hell that means? I tried looking it up on the Internet Movie Data Base and it was not there. Wierd.

Nov. 18, 1998

What to say, what to say? I just got back from a self-defense workshop. It was kinda cheesy, but boy, do I feel safer now. The instructor (a UCPD officer) was a little uptight about the structure, but we managed to make fun of him anyways. Besides, my boss was paying me to go to this thing. Bonus: I got to spray a can of mace. Hee hee hee. Yeah, safety in Berkeley is always a concern. I use to be able to walk around at night, as a freshman, and I thought I was invincible. (my brother says I still am.) However, in these last few years, I have heard too many crime reports, witnessed a robbery and was a victim of petty theft. I know this place is not Kansas. Even so, I don't want any harden thug determining where I walk and what time I travel. By giving him the wallet and my changing my walking habits, I am giving this bastard the power to determine my course of action. It's ridiculous. I'm not stupid and I occasionally ask Wes to walk me somewhere late at night. However, if I have to get somewhere, a lack of an escort will not prevent me from going. You just need to be aware of your surroundings. And I'm totally prepared to kick any assliant in the crotch if it comes down to that type of self-protection.
More on today and about e-mail I have recieved. I'm still on the bloody mailing list for the CA alumni association student advisory council, an organzation I have resigned from since I no longer held my position with RHA. They are sending me crap about their meeting minutes and well, it makes me wonder, did they ever get my letter of resignation? What do they think they're doing with my name and my reputation? It was also an unwelcome reminder of all the people I use to work with. Okay, a specific reminder of Sarah. I don't know why I can't forgive and it's because of her and her boyfriend that i have to resign from the board of directors in the Telegraph Area Association. It's clear that they think I'm a loser and a lousy investment of their time. I thought we were friends. I have a bad feeling she has told CAASC about my summer experience and I don't even want to know what they think of me. Last year, I could take on any project. Now I'm just trying to avoid leadership responsiblities. Yeah, I'm not superwoman anymore. And it makes me sad. I guess I just feel like I'm letting down so many people. I know I am capable of leading an organzation and coordinating people. The last two years have trained me for that. However, I can't stand failure and I can not handle more stress. This is a major conflict of intrests because there's no way to appease either.
One other random thing. I had a meeting with a professor for my classics paper and my God! We were discussing greek myth and religion for over an hour. My topic was on death and he was going of on tangents leading to Aphrodite and sexual gratification. There is a link between death and sex, but I just didn't think we'd discuss for that length of time. Yeah, it's funny to hear your professor use crude language to get his point across about Paris and Helen. And I didn't even notice we took up that much time. Hee hee hee. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was flirting with me.

Nov. 15, 1998

Friday night rocked!!!!! Wes, David and I went to the Big Bad Voodoo Daddies concert and they were hot! They music was great and we had nosebleed seats. However, kids were still dancing out on the balcony, and we even got a mambo line stepping down the aisles. Wes and I snuck in a dance to "Gin and Juice." Funny, even this usher was hitting on me tonight. Well, I just talked to him because I was nursing Wes' rum and coke and I didn't have a stamp for 21 and over. But then he saw Wes and he asked me if he was my brother. I told him he was my boyfriend. Then he asked me if I had any sisters. Plus he told Wes to keep his eyes on me. How sweet. This was a totally random thing for us to do, because I just bought the tickets that night.
Today was the RHA Harvest Fair and I promised Rafael (the President) that I would help out. Well, at least they had their act together and it was bumping by the time the party got started. Students flocked to the smell of Inn-n-Out burgers (yeah, can you believe we don't have an In-n-Out within half an hour of us? such a disappointment for us carnivores) and dancing to the beat of Z95.7 (for the So Cal kids out there, that's like Kiss FM, or something like that). Still, with all their preparations, I guess they made use of my experience with this event, afterall, I was in RHA last year. I felt a little wierd telling RHA reps what to do and being an authority figure, but I got over that in a bit (maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was the oldest student out of the bunch, Gosh, I'm ancient)People asked me if I was with RHA and I just told them that I was a volunteer and that I use to be a staff member last year.
Than the inevitble question came: why didn't I run for another staff position this year?
I said I was busy with other things and that I didn't want to. Sadly, one kid recoginzed me from the computing center, because he took one of my workshops and he didn't believe me. He said, "You want to be a computing center person rather than in RHA?" Yeah, my justification was a poor one. What could I do? Tell him I was completely mentally unstable for the presidency? How would some freshman ever understand that? Rafael did a good job with these kids, he inspired them to believe that RHA was more than just a club, but an organzation that could achieve anything. Yeah, I still believe that, I just know I was never a good person for it.
I hope no one ever figures out how I was once connected to RHA. It would be humilating.
It was pratically heart breaking to watch these Reps do what they need to do and create this event for the campus and the community. It was heart breaking to know I really was apart of that effort. I was stuck at this, I want to stick around to make sure things were going alright and leaving because I could barely stand the lump forming in my heart. Knowing, what I lost when I resigned and how I didn't have what it takes to be with RHA. I don't know if I'll ever be resolved with those facts. I know I could coorinate people and I know I can lead people, but I cannot face up to the responsblities RHA demanded from me. I speak of RHA has an entity, not with the reps and the staff, but of its reputation and past that demands only the best from its leaders. I could never live up to that. Yeah, now I'm not feeling to hot about myself. I feel like a loser and I just want to curl up into bed and shut the world out of my life. But, I"m at work, the computing center and the one thing I supposedly chose over RHA. After this experience, i don't know if I can handle doing anything RHA related again. It just hurts too much. On top of that, I can't show the staff how I'm feeling because that would be demoralizing.
I hope nobody ever looks at Rafael's gable closely because they would see my name on it. They would never understand.

Nov. 12, 1998

Wow, what a fun filled day. I went to all of my classes. (a small miracle). It's been quite some time since I've been to all of my classes. It took a lot of endurance and a lot of patience. Especially with GSIs.
You know who I'm talking about. Those grad school kids who think they're all wise and knowing just because they've been in school longer than you. don't get me wrog, I have nothing but respect for these people who are willing to go further into debt for their education. However, some have serious attitude problems that were not addressed in their last evaluation forms. For example, my comparative lit class. I love both GSIs who teach the course because they're funny and smart. However, they're people's skills need to be worked on. They tend to lean towards dominating the conversation despite the disscussion style were using in this class. Also, the tend to ignore other people's perspectives when we have a class disucssion. I am not saying this because I like to contribute my own squeaky voice to the disucssion. I have seen both ladies cut out other people from the class discussion and ignore their raised hands. This isn't about conservation of time either. They just honest to God ignore certain people's perspectives. I have given up feeling personally offended by this because, well, it just means I get to kick back in class and sleep. So much for those extra class participation points.
Oh yes, and pain. I understand pain a little better than before because of my judo class. We spilt up the class into heavy weights and light weights and guess which group I got. Then we took turns throwing everybody in that weight group. It was fun, but frustrating with two flakes in the group. One of them was the wussy girl I always end up being paired with because we're the smallest in the class. It's a given that she's going to be scared of falling. Then there's this other guy who has no respect for the girls in this class. How do I know? The last time I lead the warm-up, he would not bow to me, like the other members of class. He was busy scratching his crotch, or something stupidly masculine. He kept saying I couldn't throw him correctly because I was small. And he gave me this look that said, I was small because I was a girl. I told him size didn't matter. However, it did matter that the boy would not let me throw him. like a baby he's always reaching for the ground to brace his fall. I've learned last class that I shouldn't be concerned with picking people up and throwing, because of my height. All I had to do was concerntrate on getting them off balanced. And well, he got the wind knocked out of him when I got him off balanced. So much for size, don't you think?

Nov. 8, 1998

Dreary weekend, with the rain and all. But I still managed to take David out on the town and we took advantage of his new adult status. On Friday night, we went to a comedy club in the city and basically got a kick out the rude and crude and preverted comments all the comedians were making. We had an incredibly annoying group sitting in front of us and i was hoping they would get kick out. You could totally tell that the comedians wanted to strangle these folks because they wouldn't shut up. Then, last night we went to the Palladium, and eighteen and over dance club. It was pretty skanky and the crowd was young and seedy. But it was fun to cut lose to the beats of loud and pounding music.
Ah, the joys of having a car. And that saved Wes, Martin, Ginna (his girl), and me one painful trip back from grocery shopping. A few nights ago, we all went Safeway shopping. We took the bus down but the amount of stuff we had bought could not be carried by just the four of us. So I called up David and begged him to pick us up. What a guy! He did without a complaint!
And I haven't got much sleep lately. Really. I'm so dead tired and I want a nap. I was trying to get a nap last night before I went over to Wes and Martin's place for dinner. All the lights were off in my apartment except for my little rainbow lantern, kinda like a signal for my roommates that I'm home and I'm sleeping. After a few minutes my roommate came home with her friend and my God, they were so bloody loud. Esepcially my roommate, not the Russian one, but the Brea-Olinda ditz. They turned on all the lights in the room and they would not shut up. Then my roomate felt the need to read her GSI's e-mail out loud to her friend. Did not need to hear about how she believed her TA was trying to hit on her and the other girls in her class. That's a bunch of BS and she's giving herself way too much credit. Plus she laughs so damn loud, it's grating to anyone's ears. Really, it's like she tries to get attention, to make somebody wonder why she's laughing so damn hard. It's not a pretty laugh. It's a fake one, like she's so popular and witty and you just have to be charmed by her shallow sense of cynical and sarcastic humor. Honey, I know what sarcasm is and you obviously have nto grasped it at this point and time. So give it up!!!!!
And she's also like this on the bloody phone. When I"m sleeping in the morning, the only time I ever get to sleep in this week, she's laughing like a hyena at 8 AM, trying to sound so damn intellectual. Honestly, she's in complete denial over how lame she sounds.
And let me get into how she tries to sound brillant with her damn sayings. Actually, maybe it's not brillance but a sense of the exotic. Now the more I think about it, I don't think she likes being the whitebread poster child from Orange County. The first conversation we had, she kept going off on how she liked "Asian Food." Hmmm, well I thought it was a typical thing for anybody to do, lump Chinese, Thai, Japanese,etc. into one food category. The more I think about it, the more I see her pathetic attempts at being exotic. She dresses in a bohemian style, straight off the free clothes box at People's Park. She listens to Indian music she doesn't understand and she lines her eyes with heavy, heavy black pencil, to change the shape of her Caucasian self. Okay, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I can't see her more than a fake who's not aware of what she's doing. She's trying to be somebody she's not, a bohemian with an artistic flair. Maybe that's why she came to Berkeley.
Kinda like Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's. Holly thought she was this glam girl who could live off the genrosity of her rich male lovers. She even says in the book that she had to train herself to enjoy the attentions of these leacherous fools, just because she needed somebody to finance her elegnat tastes. Hmmm, that's a bit of stretch, comparing Audrey Hepburn's character to my roommate. But it works.
Oh, and my boyfriend and I are back together. I tried to break up with him for a a few days and I was succeeding. But in the end, we agreed to follow our hearts because it hurt too much to be together, but apart.
What do I mean by that? Well, with the comedy club and the dance club, Wes came with David and me. We went as friends and Wes would not stop acting like my boyfriend. So I ended up making his life miserable with insults and cruel jests. I didn't want to break up with him, but I wanted to be strong in my own way. Just so I could prove to myself that I can save myself.
But we couldn't do that any longer. We tried to be just friends and well, that wasn't enough for us. Being in love was a good enough excuse to stay together.

Nov. 1, 1998

Happy All Saints Day to You!
Well, David, Wes, John, and I head out for the Civic Center last night to rock out during Halloween. Crazy outfits and lot's of booze. It was five bucks and they made me give up my wand at the door. (i was a fairy, and yes, I'll have pictures in a little bit.) Can you bloody believe it? A stupid plastic wand could have been used as a weapon. I was too close to asking for the security guy's supervisor. But I did it anyways, grudgling. Didn't want to hold up the rest of my buds with my tantrum. However, I did see a few faries inside with wands of their own. So screw them.
And there was the Haunted House on Friday night. Yeah, it was a complete mess.
1. We didn't have a schedule for performance. Talk about unprofessional. This was a pain for me because I had people in little songs who were suppose to be monsters and dead people in the haunted house. Can't have them in two places at the same time.
2. The make-up girl didn't show up until half an hour before show time. Brillant girl, really. (she's nice, but a flake and you know that gives me every right to rant on her.) She claimed she was looking for make-up that day. Hmmm, let me think. That was the day before Halloween. Do you honestly think there's much of selection the day before halloween? I don't think so. Anyways, she went on this doomed mission and left me without any means of transforming my human actors into scary creatures. So, I had to take matters into my own hands. I used my own clinque and Mary Kay make-up, as well as with any stage make-up I could scrounge up from the other choir people. Thank God Kathy had an artistic hand and a willing attitude to be my assistant in this task.
3. We had nobody going into the Haunted House. Well, all our ticket paying customers wanted to hear the small groups sing. On top of that, our illustrious president didn't tell anybody about the haunted house part until it was really really late. Do you know how bored my actors felt? This all goes back to the damn president's theory on how everybody would enjoy themselves during this thing and won't care about breaks. Well, he was wrong and i was right and boy does it feel good to say, "I told you so!"
I couldn't wait for that night to end. But people said it ran pretty smoothly. I'll take their word for it. I hate putting my whole heart into something and then people flake on you to make everything go down the drain. That tends to happen a lot.
Creepy thing also happened on Halloween. I made my first charges on my new Visa. EEEEECK! Too easy and too damn addicting. But I can control myself. Really, I can.

Oct. 29, 1998

Tiring day, again. My medication and my body is all screwed up. First the bronchitis jacked with my throat and the new drugs made it feel all better. I could finally fit high notes again. Then those drugs gave me an infection and well, i got new medication. of course. mixing the drugs would have lead to a yeast infection and i didn't want that. so gone are the first drugs and my voice. great, and i have a bloodt concert tomorrow night.
Made up with my boy toy. What, were you actually worried? Nah, can't break up with the guy because I love him and I need him too much. Plus he would resist that in every way possible. We ended up watching Replacement Killers and Good Morning Vietnam in two nights. Yeah, those were pretty late nights and I haven't got much sleep lately. I don't understand why he puts up with me. He's too good for me.
Oh, and judo was cool today because i got to spar with a guy who wasn't afraid to throw me or be thrown. yeah, all the other girls in my weight group were late, as always, so i got a new partner instead. (funny, makes me believe they don't want to work up to much of a sweat). But, boy does it hurt to be thrown by a guy who weighs a hell lot more than you. And I got use to it. Then he wanted to work on map techniques and wrestle with his buddies. so he ditched me, without bowing in respect, and joined his other cronies. Yeah, i was a bit insulted. so i went back to the wussy partner i had from the beginning. at least she was working and not playing around.
Funny, this class really doesn't consider the girls as real fighters. Just because they're soft, and they don't want to be thrown and stuff like that. I think i finally got it through to my wussy partner that she needs to be thrown and she's slowly letting me do that. But sometimes, when i lead the warm-up, i can't get respect from all guys who are to bow to me. Some turn around and pick their butts,others fiddle with their uniforms, at the time their all suppose to be at attention. Screw it. If I ever got a chance to fight them, boy I think they would see things in a different light.It's not like they're any good.
Oh, and one of my roommates sprained her knee. She's being a good sport about it, except for a few cases. She totally expects sympathy for her condition and she told me that yelled at some kids who were ahead of her in the lunch line. She said: "I'm limping, can you let me go to the front?" Well, she's not an athelete and she doesn't understand the concept of grinning it and bearing with it.

Oct. 26, 1998

Well, I guess i have to start a new file for this journal because well, the other file just got full, or something like that. Yes, another long day. Plus today is my bro's eighteenth birthday! They grow up so fast. We had a little party for him on Saturday and my cousin called up to wish him a happy b-day. But she didn't even bother to talk to me. Yeah, I don't feel the love here. But on other matters, i want to take my little bro out on the town, since he's all legal now. His roommate and my boyfriend are pushing for a trip to a strip club. Out of the question. I was thinking more likt a comedy club or a dance club.

Daylight  Savings truly teases with your mind. It makes you think you have more time than what you really have. Creepy. I've been late and sleeping less because of this time change. Plus, I'm not feeling to academically motivated right now. Maybe it's because I don't have the energy. And where's my energy going? Dealing with incomptent people, like chorale people and occasionally my roommates.

Funny thing about one of my roommates, she doesn't like to accept the blame for certain things. One time, she broke one of my bowls and she said all she did was open up the fridge and then the bowl just jumped out. She repeated over and over again that it wasn't her fault. Then, she accidently locked the bathroom and well, she just went off on how she was just using the bathroom and then when she tried to open it again, it was locked. I knew it was an accident but she had to explain to me over and over again that it wasn't her fault.

And for some reason, no matter how many times I would explain how something is the way it is here at Cal, she doesn't believe me. Yeah, my whole two experience here in the Bay Area for some reason doesn't register in her narrow mind that it's valid experience to draw from. She doesn't believe me when I tell her how things work in the dorms, even if this is my third year living here, and even if I have worked with the Department of Housing and Dining for two years. Oh yeah, that's nothing to this girl who's still pretty fresh to this area and her only college experience is based on a school like UC Santa Barabara. But, well, whenever she needs help, she normally comes to me anyways, despite her claims she is so much older and more mature than me. Okay, I really should stop going off on my roommate like that. But I can't help it. As long as I don't tell her these things to her face, I think we should be fine, right? My brother told me it has gotten to the point where I can imitate her pretty damn close to real life, and well, that must be saying something about how i feel, even if on a subconcious level. But I look back on these journal entries and I know I can pretty damn cruel. On the other hand, I have little patience for lame and illogical people, like my roommate, and like the President of the UC Chorale system.

Oh yeah, and with the UC Chorale deal for Halloween, I got into a fight with the President simply because we didn't see eye to eye on certain issues. He believes that since the actors are doing something so enjoyable, they won't be concerned with breaks. I think that's a little too optimistic and I was arguing for a certain time schedule that would guarantee a rest between the different attractions and acts. But hey, what do I know about programming, right? Probably a hell lot  more than this guy, who thinks he can organize. It scares me that he was elected. Really. And he's a nice guy I know from church. so this is not an issues of us not getting along.

Wes says I shouldn't bag on the people I perform with. I agree, it's not my place to critize. On the other hand, I have ad to much programming experience to know what works and what doesn't work. I also know that I have a bad feeling about the haunted house.
Well, back to my roommate. I know I say some pretty bad things about her. And tonight, I was about to go off on how she won't even let me play classical music while I study. So basically, I did anything else I could do to make noise: let the door slam, talk on the phone as much as possible, etc. But then I went downstairs (remember, i live in the lofted area) to make some dinner. She started talking to me about her paper. I made a few vague comments. Then it hit me as to how hard it was to stay in a conversation with this girl. My own roommate! I've never had this problem before, living with so many different girls in the past, dating back to my skating camp in high school.
So, I made myself start a conversation with her, because it's obvious (desipte how egocentric her methods were) she was trying to talk to me. So, I asked her about her plans for Halloween. She told me she was going home for the weekend. And well, for the first time, I saw how much family meant to her. It was so sweet to hear how excited she was over the prosect of carving a pumpkin. She also said this is the first time she gets to spend Halloween with her family. I know how she feels, when you're so far away from home during any holiday. And for the first time, I felt some kind of truce between us. At least I don't feel like an adverary around her, for now.
But there's my boyfriend. Basically, he told me that he didn't need me tonight, simply because he needs to be the strong one in the relationship. Goody. Do you know how pathetic that makes me feel? This is all over me spending the night at his place a couple of times last week and last weekend. I just had a rough week and spending time with him makes me feel better. But I guess, he only sees this need as a weakness on my part.
So if he wants to look at that way, then I guess I have to avoid him for about a week or so, to prove that I'm strong. Anything so that he knows I don't need him. Does that sound logical?



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