when things were magical…

if you know me…you know i adore toys….lot’s of them….can’t get enough of them…..no, i’m not a little girl at heart, nor do i have problems dealing with the reality of being a grown-up….i just like those reminders of days, when things were magical for me – and full of hope…

i watched my co-worker’s video of a daly city street, during xmas times….he said the whole row of homes was lit-up, like vegas. it was so sweet to watch his kids run around on other people’s lawns, among the lit-up shepherds and Christ-childs, and moving reindeer….some garage doors had movie projections of xmas images….some people had rotating xmas trees and windows stuffed with fake santas and toys to greet you. for the kids, it was a winter wonderland.

damn, i missing being that carefree – that young…for my childhood – it was also the oppertunity to hope for something more amazing than our present day reality – to believe in magic and fairytales and santa claus…..

i remember my parents were having a rough time paying off bills…this was after i found out the truth about santa, by opening up the car trunk, when my mom wasn’t looking…..they were stressed and i felt guilty about it….so on my note to santa, i asked him to give my gift to some other kid who needed it more….i figured my parents needed a break from fullfilling our xmas fantasies….i also figured i’m saving them up for a kick-ass b-day present in may….not always the most altrusitc person, i know.

it was also a time when i had faith in other people and myself….before i learned how to use sarcasm to cut people down, before i learned what it felt like to be betrayed by a loved one. i had faith in romance….and that some day, when i’m a grown-up – i’d fall in love with all the cool trappings of courtship: flowers, messages, dancing, flowers, moonlight walks, a shoulder to lean on, and joy…..
maybe more flowers….

when i was in elementary school – i was terrified that some male idiot would ruin my dreams for romance…therefore, i hated all the boys in my school – i didn’t mind beating them up and i didn’t mind out-writing, out-running, and out-playing them. my mom had high hopes i would be a nun…..

what have i learned about romance now? it’s not about getting the flowers, messages, and stuff like that…..it’s more like creating a moment to smile….for myself, i try to be romantic – candles are a big deal for me…whether for my personal bubble baths or for setting the table for dinner….

cooking is also a romantic thing i do – mixing up spices, adding wine, things like that…..

heck….it doesn’t have to be for a couple – i do all of these things both as a couple and for myself….back in those horrible days of July – when i felt like there was no reason to go on….i found little comforts in this romantic rituals. it was the only affection i could trust and count on.

this poem was my inspiration to do everything to make myself feel loved…especially during those dark days.

i know i can take care of myself, but i can’t help wishing i had some of that hope…those childhood dreams of flowers and poetry….

i guess grown-ups don’t do that sort of thing….