tonight, i just feel jaded and alone…so i figured i might as well get ready for the next day…
i packed a lunch – a salad, mushrooms, and carrots (i’ve left some salad dressing in my office’s fridge). filled up my water bottle. picked out tomorrow’s outfit and packed it in my hankido bag, along with my uniform.
i’ve also started archiving some of my dj shows….
i tend to write more when i feel alone….
that’s a lot for a girl who wanted to sit down and watch the buffy re-run.
tonight – spike told buffy she liked having men around who hurt her….that she needed the pain and hate – to be the slayer and to keep on slaying. she claimed that this was not the case. that she didn’t hate like that…..
In La Femme Nikkita, when section one suffered a quarantine crisis – berkov was the only one who could focus and be rational – he shut off his emotions, ignored the fact that he was stuck in com with the girl who dumped him for an older and more sophisticated co-worker. even when she confessed to berkov that she made a mistake and wanted to be with him – he told her – “i can’t think about that right now, i have a job to do.” i thought that was so admirable – not because he was dissing her fickle ditzy ways, but because he had to sacrifice his emotions to save the rest of the folks in section.
when i talked to stacy about my ambitions, my plans for another life in journalism….i told her that i couldn’t be like her – i couldn’t settle down with anybody right now because i wouldn’t be able to devote all of myself to the relationship – not when i still have dreams to chase after. she said something like…it seemed like that was how i was with my past relationships and even with close friends – that i always had a wall up….at first, i was disappointed with myself, when she said that – there goes anti-social little me…always keeping people on the surface….i remember when a bunch of skaters and i finished up a sunday morning workout at lake arrowhead – mr. kwan and my dad decided to treat everybody to a day of fun at magic mountain…..i was feeling lonely and i didn’t relish a 3 hour car drive with teen age skaters screeching about boys, clothes, and double axels…..i suppose i was having problems with landing double axels that day, along with adjusting my developing body to the sport and to the jumps i once tackled without hesitation. the girls piled into the kwan’s van. i wanted to ride with my dad and my bro…..my dad grabbed me by the arm and said – “stop being so anti-social” – and forced me to board the other van. it was ok afterall – mr.kwan let me read when i needed to be on my own….and we chatted a bit about skating….as the girls continued to act like normal teenagers….maybe i was the only abnormal girl there – a girl who didn’t want to pretend she led a normal life…waking up like other jr. high students whod din’t have the pressures of perfecting triple jumps and surviving competitions…
after reflecting on stacy’s comment – about my wall….i think it’s ok….that’s what i was after, all this time….to be strong and on my own….
i’ll need it when i move on with my dreams – to write and produce broadcast news….