i remember waking up and going to the bathroom for my daily purging….often at 4 or 5 in the morning. heck, i just can’t go back to sleep again until i empty my bladder. then i fell asleep. but the wierd thing is, it also felt so real. i heard somebody go to the bathroom and then walk into my room. i kept my eyes shut the whole time. i thought it was mark. he came up to my bed. i could hear him breathing. i felt him stroke my hair, running his fingers through it – as if he was combing it. it was comforting. i thought he would fall asleep with me. i wanted him to.
that’s all i remember.
this morning, i asked mark if he went into my room. he said no. i automatically assumed it was something evil then…as if somebody bad was in the house. going into my bathroom, i checked the tub and behind the curtain, for any burgler/psychopath lurking. hell, i could have opened my eyes. i guess bad things seem to happen to me when i’m lying down and i have my eyes shut. stupid me. mark thought it could have been somebody from my past whose trying to comfort me, because i was in so much pain. i saw his point. just because i didn’t know what he/it was – didn’t mean he/it had malevolent intentions.
according to mark, who went to the RSF a few days ago – that jerk’s picture is still up on the wall…as if everything’s normal. sure, feel free to make a massage appointment with a horrible horrible person.
someone from my ediets group posted to me – in response to this:
“I agree that it isn’t really fair that his picture is up, but while they are investigating, it is only fair to him (although he is a creep and shouldn’t get anything!) that it appear normal to everyone else. That is one of the best parts of our country, and the court system here. It might be good to remember that he is being affected in his pocketbook too, and that you probably aren’t the only one who this has happened to.”
this is what I posted back:
– after reading the campus policies on sexual harrasement and assult – apparently, anyone involved in the dispute (including the alleged perpetrator) is entitled to time off, with pay. Since it’s not a criminal investigation – they’re using ãpreponderance of evidenceä [defn:evidence of greater weight or more convincing than the opposing evidence; evidence more credible and convincing, more reasonable and probable, and can be circumstantial in nature.] So….they’re assessing his crediblity and my crediblity….and sadly, there’s a chance that he may be allowed to keep his job – with just a warning on his record. In fact, I know of at least one case already in which the guy was able to keep his job. So, yes, we do have a decent court system in this country and I intend on using it, if he manages to hold on to his job. Because at the time, regardless of what he’s entitled to – I still feel like a victim. I freak out when ever the phone rings, at home and at work. I can barely handle intense confrontations at work, and my sense of professionalism has been stripped, leaving my emotions raw. I know I have many resources to draw from and friends and professional counselors to lean on….but, this guy has changed my life. I’m left with the task of trying to make myself feel normal again. I think that would be more difficult to do, if he’s allowed to go on with his life, without severe consequences.
it’s hard. i want to curl up in my bed and ignore the rest of the world moving on. but i know it’s necessary. i need closure.