sleepy…couldn’t sleep last night
it was so damn windy last night….i kept thinking there was a kitty meowing for help, in my backyard. plus, somehow, my bathroom light turned on…..i hope that was me, absent-mindingly flipping switches. argh. the house makes so many noises when i’m by myself.
so, i’m sleepy.
and sad.
i thought i was ready to go back to the rsf. i really want to get back to hankido. but yesterday, i parked in the stiles lot and i was about to get out, to pay my summer fees. i couldn’t do it. i was paralyzed. i had a nervous break down, it felt like one. couldn’t breathe, think, and i certainly didn’t want to try driving in that condition. i was terrified of running into that asshole. i thought i was better. i thought i was normal. guess not. i’m just a sad sack of shit, pathetic and pointless. i’m not doing well. i thought i was getting my life back and i so badly want my hankido workouts. but i would have broken down more, if i forced myself to face the rsf. i was crying so hard and so loud that it was difficult to breathe. i tried calling mark, but he’s away on a business trip……all they way out in frickin’ texas……..i called him at a bar…..didn’t want to bother him. i tried wes, but he wasn’t answering his phone. then i tried betina. she called me back, after my first attempt. thank god.
i’m such a mess….even drinking a glass of wine couldn’t relax me.
Thanks for the comments on http://www.fotolog.net/fisheye Sorry you’re so down, being human can really suck sometimes. Perhaps, because of your martial arts training you can relate – when I get down I turn Buddhism or the Tao – both completely about how to deal with pointlessness. 🙂 Try reading the Tao of Pooh – it always helps me get back on track.
Also – on the South thing – having traveled the entire US with long hair, grateful dead stickers and an old VW camper I can relate to your fear of the south. My girlfriend and I took off all our pro-choice stickers before venturing into the swampy domain of the hill billy and were really scared by the huge KKK sign we saw when we first crossed the mason-dixon line that said “We’re back and we’re #1” accompanied by a hanging black manaquin. They’re really not that bad though – all bark and no bite (spent over a year down there living in a hang glider landing field in N. Georgia near Chattanuga [sp?]). Sure – there are a lot of REALLY ignorant people down there – but it’s really no different from anywhere else. I figured out you’re not white from your blog but couldn’t figure out what you were (assuming black). I’d actually think you’d be more comfortable in the south as a black person… the KKK freaks are a definite very small minority (but they’re very vocal – just like all nut cases). I remember how scared I was the first time I had to walk through Oakland at night to get to a friends house (I’m white)… but it was just hype – people are people – very, very few care enough to get in your face simply because of race … or at least that’s been my experience traveling the world for the past 10 years. People are seldom scary/dangerous on an individual scale – it’s just when they group together that they really suck – so just avoid the KKK rally’s and you’ll be fine. 🙂