I got this email from my old account – I almost broke down in the middle of class…..I didn’t realize how long I’ve blocked Rafael’s memories….I didn’t realize how much I need closure from his death….
Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 11:51:23 am CST
Subject: Fwd: Hello
> I don’t know if you still remember me. I was
> Rafael’s
> girlfriend from Berkeley. I’m actually not sure if
> you
> still use this email account. How are you doing? Are
> you still working in the Bay Area? I actually need
> to
> ask a favor of you. Rafael’s parents are still going
> through the processes of figuring out what Rafael
> passed away of. They were wondering if you remember
> what hospital you took him to senior year. I totally
> do not remember and I thought it wasn’t Tang center,
> but you may know better. If you could let us know,
> that would be greatly appreciated. And also if you
> ever want to talk as well, I would love to do so. I
> hope that you and yours are well. Take care. =)
>
Hey,
this is what I emailed to her…..
Hey….
I miss you! I just started up my first quarter at Northwestern University and I also miss the California weather…..funny, I was just thinking about Rafael a lot….lately….I actually visited the Cook County Law Library, in downtown Chicago, last Friday – and I thought about him.
As for his Senior year – I took him to the Kaiser Permanete Medical Center in downtown Richmond. This was when he was still leaving at that apartment by Blockbuster and the El Cerito BART station, yes?
Grad school is tough…..sometimes, when it’s difficult – thinking about all the money I’m pouring into my private school education, freaking over failing my classes (apparently I don’t have what it takes to be a writer), and just trying to be strong – when I’m so alone out here – without any family, friends, my boyfriend – when it gets tough…..I think about Rafael. We had this plan that I would make it out to Chicago – for Northwestern University – and we do our weekly lunches again – dishing about everything…..I’m sure you can feel that hole in your life as well….you know, when you turn to tell him something and then realize, you can’t turn to him anymore – at least not in person.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy following my dreams – I want to be a journalist and this is the rough road to make it a reality. But it’s so lonely out here. I wonder how Rafael did it – did he have any Cal Berkeley friends going to law school with him? How did he get support? If you don’t mind, what did he tell you about what he worried about when he was out here?
I wonder if I’m just paranoid or jumping to conclusions…..and it would be nice to have another perspective on this transplanted experience (being a Cali girl and living in Chicago – it’s wierd, hard, culture shock – all of that….)
Ok – sorry to talk your ear off about this….
Take care….