frazzled….

the good news…i’m not as evil as microsoft…..and i’m not as smart as UNIX…..
i guess i’m a happy medium 🙂

Which OS are You?

last week…the weather was so dreary. it was a perfect fit to my mood….now we got blue skies, sunny temps, and people dressing down for the good weather occasion. i wish i could join in. this life – it doesn’t seem real to me. or maybe, just functioning through an ordinary day….going to work, helping customers, working on this brainpicking, scanning pix, talking to co-workers, driving, going to lunch, eating food, doing normal stuff……it doesn’t seem real to me. it’s almost as if i’m waiting for something to rip into this normal existence….expecting it to happen. i’m also a bit worried by having these expectations, that i’m willing IT to happen. giving power to the abstract possiblity that something could go wrong with my life…..

a few days ago, mark and i talked about little compulsions we had has kids….for myself, i would have these rituals i felt compled to do so, as a child. There was a certain way I washed my hair, got dressed, and got ready for school. I was afraid of what may happen if I deviated from this pattern. As a competitve figure skater, I did my best to re-create every little detail of a good competition, from the number of laps I took around the rink, for a warm-up session, to the food I ate. At that point, I was just trying to re-create the circumstance of luck…..but there came a point when I realized how deathly afraid I was to mix up the routine of getting ready, going to sleep, and skating. It kinda hit me that I was giving these little rituals, these patterns, so much power over me. It was a struggle to break out of the habits….i had to keep telling myself that it was OK to rinse my hair only 2 times, instead of the habitual 3. That it was ok to stroke around the rink 4 times instead of my standard 6 laps. Things like that…..i remember the first time I broke a pattern, I broke out in a sweat. I was waiting for something awful to happen. But it didn’t.

Life goes on.

Maybe now, I’m reseting that life is going on. That we have beautiful weather in the bay area. That I can go to work and function, like a normal human being. I guess I’m resentful because I still don’t have closure from my April trauma. As life goes on…..it seems like that trauma is fading away……and he’s getting away with violating me.

it fuckin’ sucks 🙁