my world tilted

last night – i went to a potluck thrown by three righteous babes. it was lovely to sit down to all that comfort food. it was also quite nice to have the broadcast and print students chilling together….we sit on opposites sides of the newsroom. often times, one professor would pull out the bulky grey divder to do a seminar and to perform cult news ceremonies. honest.

good music….funny conversation….red wine….laughter…..just what we needed after working our asses off, these past few weeks…

then i got a call from my dad…i could barely make out the ring tone i assigned to him – alde vise, from the sound of music. but i heard it and i took the call in the hallway….away from the laughter….

he told me my brother was leaving for iraq this fall.

that piece of news shocked me….i thought we had more time…i thought the military wouldn’t deploy him until 2006….that’s what he told us.

i walked outside….didn’t take a coat with me…didn’t need one…the wine kept me warm enough and the news about my brother…well – it was difficult to think straight. it was almost as bad as hearing from Mark about Rafael dying.

outside – my dad told me my bro should be ok…he’s in charge of a bunch of other soliders…at least he wasn’t in the infrantry….but…i read, watch and listen to the news coming out of baghdad….i’ve learned that a bullet can’t tell the difference between a good man and a murderer – a bomb doesn’t care if you have the best of intentions or corrupt ones….and no one can explain to the men and women who attack u.s. armed forces that my brother has a heart and a soul and there are loved ones who will wait for him back home.

after the phone call…i couldn’t stop crying – my heart wanted to burst.

left the party early. told people i had to work….

i feel helpless….so helpless….also pretty darn selfish….he was suppose to play piano for my wedding….i wanted him to be there…with his girlfriend…dreaming of his own wedding one day.

i hate feeling helpless. one of the first thoughts that ran through my head was this episode of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” During this episode….the fab 5 helped a solider get ready for his wedding to his Columbian girlfriend. They put together this amazing care package, because the solider was scheduled to leave for Iraq, 2 weeks after the wedding. I want to do something like that for my brother….

i also wanted to march up to the White House and smack some sense into that administration. how can we have a commander in chief who has never fought (not fly some damn plane around like a fool) in combat? i wanted to plead with somebody in Congress to make some exception for my only brother. however….i also know that thinking like this doesn’t help my brother….mark pointed out to me that he was trained for this…that he wanted to do this….that he is capable of coming back to us in one piece. after thinking some more….it’s down-right insulting to my brother to expect the worst. he’s smart, dedicated, strong and compassionate. they need him in Iraq. they need him to make the choices to protect those other soliders. i believe in him. he won’t let abu grahib happen to his men.

pray….i can pray…..i don’t want to read about him in the Washington Post….I don’t want my family to get only his dog tags back. we have to be strong for him….despite all the chaos and terror that we feel….i know he needs us to be strong…to believe in him.

he will come back.

love will bring him back to us.