i went to a kentucky derby party on sat and i had too many drinks….first mint juelps then rum and coke…
i got depressed….
i spilled the beans on what happened to me….
i’m so ashamed…
but….i also found some amazing people who were truly sympathetic and non-judgemental….
i was lucky.
now….Ms.Kentucky said she knew her mom, a lawyer, would want to take a look at this case…she said she couldn’t believe the law would protect this asshole because he thought he “had consent.” so….i spoke to her mom this morning. she was very supportive. she recomended i go vent through martial arts or smash the ball with her daughter during a round of racquetball.
she also mentioned that it was difficult to try this type of case, because of the burden of proof that’s on the prosecutor, to show the jury this asshole is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.
i can understand that….
so, i’m e-mailing her my files….a good thing i kept adobe on my laptop, to convert the files into something readable.
it amazes me how i still fall apart when i think about this case…as i was prepping the files, i couldn’t help but re-read the last letter my detective sent back to me….i couldn’t stop myself from reading my police report….i’m still living in the past….i’m letting my mind get serious fucked up over these memories…..they’re just memories….it’s in the past….and i’m here – presently studying at one of the coolest journalism school in the country…..i can look forward to studying in london and living with mark abroad…..marrying mark….being happy……but a few stupid pdf files are enough to yank me back into the past….back when i thought i was slut and a whore……..i’m not….i’m not any of those things……
i had a dream last night that mark and i went camping in the calaveras county….last summer, our roommate Jen, took us their for “cabining.” we were milling around an old mark twain town, hungry. most stores were closed, except for a bakery at the end of the line of wooden store fronts. we went into the bakery and ordered food. a presentation was taking place in another room. we wandered inside. mark’s officemates sat in the audience. i asked one of them, what was going on. i was concerned that mark wasn’t invited. his co-worker said they were helping out with a presentation for a friend. he said they could use mark’s help. mark thought about helping them.
i had a feeling something was wrong at home. i ran home.
i ran a long a beach pier, it could have been newport or santa monica. it was a sunny day. i ran and lost my clothes. i slowed to walk, covering as much as i could with my hands. i gave up and ran home, naked.
i made it back into my house in diamond bar. i had clothes back on. it looked gray outside. i looked for my dog in the kitchen. i also checked the backyard. then he came up from in back of me. the asshole. i couldn’t hear him walk. he grabbed my arm and said i had to go with him. that i had no choice. that i had to withdraw the charges. i ran. i ran out through the garage and out to the backyard. he followed me. i went through the sliding door. he tried to follow me but then i slammed the on his fingers.
blood everywhere. i locked the sliding door.
i relaxed.
i forgot to lock the other doors.
he came up from behind me again. i couldn’t hear him.
this time, he knocked me out.