Brain Pickings


Dec. 17, 1998

Wow, the last two days have been so relaxing. Without finals to worry about, I had only presents to worry about. I know what people say about the captalism in christmas shopping kills the spirit of the holidays. For me, shopping for presents last night in the city with my boyfriend only made my life a little better. Well, how about a lot better. Just walking through the shops and guessing what people may enjoy as a gift, made me feel all warm inside. Plus, with my boy toy, it was nice to be together without academic concerns looming in the back ground. I hope that makes sense.
I admit, I was a bitch for the last few weeks because of academic stress. (yeah and my roomie knew it)I wasn't in the mood for the spirit of goodwill and sharing. I was just in the mood for personal gratification. Well, now with the academics out of the way, I could stop being selfish with myself. and that's always a good thing.
I also made time to watch some really great movies. The first flick I watched was Queen Christina. My professor in Classics thought my email address: queenkv@uclink4, was based on that movie. Then I asked him what it was and he told me it starred Greta Garbo. Then, the day after I got that e-mail from him, my American Studies class showed a scene from that film to anylze it. Heeheehee. I figured I should watch it, just because that was to wierd of a coincidence. Can't spell, sorrie. Garbo was beautiful and a noble Queen, indeed.
Then I also watched Eat, Drink, Man, Woman. That was a beautiful film and if it wasn't the dry wit, it was the yummy food preparation scenes that kept us awake for the whole 2 hours. It was funny and touching and real. It touched me in the way the argentine film, I Don't Want To Talk About It, did, with its senstitive portrait of human desire and pain. Yeah, if could have been my family, or any other dysfunctional Asian family the film featured. We all have similar tensions and repressions built into the family dynamics.
This is my last entry for 1998. i know I will not have the time or resources to update this journal until I come back to Berkeley.

So, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!


Dec. 11, 1998

My final is 45 minutes away and I don't even care right now. I feel like a really bad bad bad person.
Now, I usually don't care about recieving presents. I know everybody has their own financial situations and they do what they can do. But I still have feelings, esepcially when things come about exclusion. My Russian roommate decides to get our other roommate, from so cal, a xmas present. She does it, when I was still in the room, studying.
Is it just me or is this the rudest thing you can do to a person?
Maybe it had to do with last night. I was studying for my final and I didn't get home till 4 AM. I was feeling kinda lost and I wanted to pray. So I needed the lights on for a little bit while I looked for my bible and my rosary. She kept harping at me to turn off the light so she can sleep. She had an 8 AM final. She said she was studying all night and yes, I saw she was still up at 3:45 AM. At that point, I wanted to say two things:
1. It's not my fault you stayed up passed 4 AM to study. It's absolute madness to do that to yourself before your 8 AM final. I asked her why she was up (back a few hours ago) when she had such an early final. She said she felt like she needed to study. I asked her if she thought it was going to do her any good and she said no. Does anyone have a damn clue why she was cheating herself out of a goodnight's rest. She asked me why I was up and I told her I could sleep in today because my final was at 5 PM.
2. You always turn on the light and make a lot of racket when I'm sleeping. Sometimes, after I was up at 5 AM for the morning news cast at the radio station, I like to get a nap in before class. Well. she alwasy turns on the radio and slams the dresser doors and closet doors when I'm trying to get a few winks. Yeah, I don't think that's fair. She does not understand why I have to be up at that time and when I tell, she writes it off like it's no big deal. I think it's a big deal because I have a real audience (7 listners) who pay attention to the news we deliver that morning.
Yeah, so I felt like crap...like sh!*. (I don't know if I could use that word on geocities). I walked away from the room like I didn't hear anything. Then I went to the computing center to get my dose of ICQ and net surfing, to make me feel better. Then, I walked around the city and tried to decide whether or not to get her a present. I knew I could get one just so she would feel like crap and guilty for excluding me. But that's not the point of Christmas. That's way off base and I would really be a bad bad bad person for doing so. However, the Lord says to love thy enemy. I bet he never had it this bad with the 12 aposltes. At least they didn't have to worry about holidays like Xmas. But I digress.
I looked around a few stores and I didn't see anything good. Then I remember I had bought both girls their presents two months before. Victoria Secrets and Bath and Body Works were having sales on their scented sprays and hand wash lotions. So I went back to my room and wrapped them up. I caught both girls and gave them their presents. They were happy.
But, the Russian girl felt bad too. She said she was getting the other roomie a pressent because it was her birthday. She said she would get me a present on my b-day. Well, my b-day has always been on the last day of finals for the spring semester. I told her she didn't have to but she said she would.
Actually, this made me feel worse. By doing this, she saying,"oh, now i know you feel bad about the episode before. now i have the power to make you feel better." Really, she sounded so shallow when she was telling me why she didn't get me a pressent. Funny, she's always justifying herself to me. Like the one time she broke one my bowls in the fridge. She kept saying it wasn't her fault and that it just fell out onto the floor.It was more like she was trying to convince me that it jumped out to it's own demise.
I need to talk with her next semester. Because I don't think I can handle any more situations like this without blowing up in her face.
So much for a merry xmas.


Dec. 10, 1998

Okay, I'm a little worried because I didn't get paid. Not yet. So, yeah, that's a real bad thing for someone like me, who has bills to pay and christmas presents to buy. I've been working a lot more now because classes are over. But I would hate to think that all of that work will go unrewarded.
But , that's just me. You know, I adore dead days. No classes and sleep in till whenever I want to. (okay, well, except for today because I went to the RSF for a little excerise.) Dead days are nice and I think the academic year should follow suit. Who needs midterms?
Kinda felt bad for my roommie because she got a 66% on her final. Then problem was, this was a one unit class the professor said she passed. I honestly don't know why she was upset over it. Of course, I tried to make her feel better. But this was a one unit class, for God's sake! She was saying that she never had this bad of grade in her entire life. At UCSB, she managed to maintain a 3.7 GPA. Well, honey, this is Berkeley, all of our GPA's have been screwed by the system. She was amazed at how hard the final was and I was so tempted to ask her, what did you expect? You're attending the number on public university in the nation! Really. I wonder how this reflects on the quality of education down in Santa Barbara.
I need a vacation. I just can't wait to get out of here. Dec. 3, 1998

Wow, I'm pooped and it feels like I only had about ten minutes to sit down in a three hour shift. Crazy, don't you think?
Last Day of Classes, Baby!!!!!!(for me, which is all that matters.) And boy, I'm too close to graduating. Only a year and half more to go. And I'm on time! At least my parents don't have to pay any more than expected. Gave a ll of the professos a little round of appluase and they blushed. But it's okay, they're educated like that.
Hmmm, I also got comments on my throwing technique in judo. Basically, I've been slamming this poor guy, who happens to be my testing partner for the belt promotion, really hard and everybody was watching. Somebody called me a "violent little runt." Yeah, and that's the rep I want among these boys. I think my brother is mad that I use anger as a motivating force while I fight and he thinks that's wrong. He thinks I like to beat people up, but I don't. I'm not a violent person. I just take things personally.
Oh yeah, this guy from my Classics class was stalking me today after judo. (and now we know why we take that martial art, yes?)No, he wasn't stalking me and it was pure chance that we were both walking up Bancroft. He wanted my notes and he wanted me. It was kinda cute and very endearing. He said I was very beautiful and intelligent and he hoped I didn't have a boyfriend so he could take me out. I told him I did and he asked if there was anyway we could get rid of him. I laughed. (no Wes, that was not a sign of consent.)Poor guy, he was really trying hard, but I could only smile and pat him on the back and say "see you at the finals"
No, he wasn't the skanky type and if he wasn't interested in me, he would have made a good friend. But, of course you never become truly good friends if someone liked you, because it's almost like giving the poor chap false hope. That one-sided attraction always gets in the way of a good friendship. At least, that's what I have found and I have lost many guy friends to this problem. Yeah, it's all because of my good looks.
He also said he always appreciated beauty and that anybody who doesn't is a fool. And he also appreciated what I said in class. Funny guy, right?
My boy toy also appreciates beauty and well, he makes me feel good about me. Who knows, maybe we're made for each other.
But this makes me wonder about my lack of dating in college. Yes, I do miss the challenge and the chase. I thought I got that all out of my system in highschool, you know the little repressed Catholic school girl who get's to a co-ed high school. that was a kick. But, with little instances like this, rare though they may be, still make me smile with nostalgia. I'm too young for that sentiment, but I can't help it. I was never a drop dead goregous, but I was pretty good at getting the guy I want. It's all about working the charm and well, being comfortable around the fella. Plus, I've never been asked out before. Never. Until I got to college. After I was with Wes, a few guys would try to ask me out. But i would always turn them down. Because of Wes.
But, what a feeling! To be asked about and pursued by someone! instead of me plotting to get the boy. Quite a rush.



Dec. 3, 1998

Wow, I'm pooped and it feels like I only had about ten minutes to sit down in a three hour shift. Crazy, don't you think?
Last Day of Classes, Baby!!!!!!(for me, which is all that matters.) And boy, I'm too close to graduating. Only a year and half more to go. And I'm on time! At least my parents don't have to pay any more than expected. Gave a ll of the professos a little round of appluase and they blushed. But it's okay, they're educated like that.
Hmmm, I also got comments on my throwing technique in judo. Basically, I've been slamming this poor guy, who happens to be my testing partner for the belt promotion, really hard and everybody was watching. Somebody called me a "violent little runt." Yeah, and that's the rep I want among these boys. I think my brother is mad that I use anger as a motivating force while I fight and he thinks that's wrong. He thinks I like to beat people up, but I don't. I'm not a violent person. I just take things personally.
Oh yeah, this guy from my Classics class was stalking me today after judo. (and now we know why we take that martial art, yes?)No, he wasn't stalking me and it was pure chance that we were both walking up Bancroft. He wanted my notes and he wanted me. It was kinda cute and very endearing. He said I was very beautiful and intelligent and he hoped I didn't have a boyfriend so he could take me out. I told him I did and he asked if there was anyway we could get rid of him. I laughed. (no Wes, that was not a sign of consent.)Poor guy, he was really trying hard, but I could only smile and pat him on the back and say "see you at the finals"
No, he wasn't the skanky type and if he wasn't interested in me, he would have made a good friend. But, of course you never become truly good friends if someone liked you, because it's almost like giving the poor chap false hope. That one-sided attraction always gets in the way of a good friendship. At least, that's what I have found and I have lost many guy friends to this problem. Yeah, it's all because of my good looks.
He also said he always appreciated beauty and that anybody who doesn't is a fool. And he also appreciated what I said in class. Funny guy, right?
My boy toy also appreciates beauty and well, he makes me feel good about me. Who knows, maybe we're made for each other.
But this makes me wonder about my lack of dating in college. Yes, I do miss the challenge and the chase. I thought I got that all out of my system in highschool, you know the little repressed Catholic school girl who get's to a co-ed high school. that was a kick. But, with little instances like this, rare though they may be, still make me smile with nostalgia. I'm too young for that sentiment, but I can't help it. I was never a drop dead goregous, but I was pretty good at getting the guy I want. It's all about working the charm and well, being comfortable around the fella. Plus, I've never been asked out before. Never. Until I got to college. After I was with Wes, a few guys would try to ask me out. But i would always turn them down. Because of Wes.
But, what a feeling! To be asked about and pursued by someone! instead of me plotting to get the boy. Quite a rush.


Dec. 2, 1998

Oh, a tale I can tell you about my life....so far. Yeah, well, you should have expected some delay in this entry, with the holidays and finals just around the corner. So, just deal with it.
I'm a little tired, but I feel good, with all the excersie I'm getting. I'm sad that p.e. classes are ending and I know it takes two weeks to get out of shape and three months to get all toned. Oh well.

Hmmm, my boy toy and I had our two year anniversary last week and that was a blast. He took me to a restuarant at Fisherman's Wharf and then we watched Meet Joe Black at AMC 1000. He was so sweet and rommantic and well, i know I'm lucky to have, especially with all the crap I dish out to him. Two years, can you believe it? Wow, were did my wild days go?

Bad stuff happened Big Game Weekend and well, a few of my dear readers know about it already. Susan, you know what I"m talking about. Funny thing, like all drunken experiences, I don't remember a thing. That could be a good thing, because it saves me the embarassment. Who knows? Even my boss from the computing center was there, and wel, yeah, she heard my confessions and some other things I don't want ordinary people to know. But hey, only had a slight hang over and I'm doing better now.

I know this is a crappy entry simply because I feel sad right now. Yeah, the computing center staff went off for dinner after our meeting and they didn't even invite me. Gee, I feel the love now. Maybe I just make a lousy dinner companion. Maybe I should be looking for another job. Yeah, I know that's a pretty extreme way of looking at it. However, I know that I always have to invite myself if they go out to dinner. I'm feeling a little resentful and well, alienated. I guess I shouldn't put too much stock in professional relationships with staff. On the other hand, I don't have many friends to begin with, so little things like this make me feel more alone.
Maybe I don't deserve friends. Afterall, most of mine don't even keep in touch anymore. Just a nice little shallow greeting over school breaks. Pretending we can still connect on that intimate level, like we did in highschool. It's B.S. and my parents were right, friends will come and go. But family is blood and they are always here for me. Maybe that's why David and Jennie (my cousin) are my best friends in the whole world. I don't have to worry about them chosing sides when I break up with boyfriends...like how some friends do.

 


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