at least that’s what mark said. just daffy little me worrying myself sick on another mundane housekeeping detail…stuff like that…
no big deal…
yeah, i feel drained from this weekend. it’s almost reminiscent of my college days – back when I was working 12-15 hours at one job, working at KALX, working on 20 units at Cal, and organizing some community service event. I’ve always wondered why we couldn’t have 36 hour work days….that’s all I needed to keep up with every commitment I’ve made….sometimes, I still wish for that modified work day.
funny thing….this schedule also haunted me during our school breaks….for winter break, I picked up a part-time job at Victoria Secrets. I thought I would go nuts at home with nothing to do. I figured I could use the extra cash….I ended up picking up a shopping habit for fine lingerie.
one of the worst jobs I had was on berkeley’s ASUC Elections Council. It was totally stressful and the nasty attitudes of the political candidates was enough to turn me off to campus politics, for good. I remembered I had to bring home election council work home on Spring Break. I had a deadline to meet the following week for the voter’s guide. I borrowed my buddy’s copy of Pagemaker. I didn’t have much of a spring break that year. I was either cursing in front of my home pc or on the phone with some candidate who didn’t respect deadlines and expected me to make an exception for him. I was getting moody at home and I parked myself in front of the tv for a few minutes, needing a break from people whinning at me. I remember my Dad walked by and saw how stressed I was. I suppose I shouldn’t have expected any sympathy from him – he tends to misunderstand why I keep myself busy with things I feel that are important. He just yelled at me – “You shouldn’t get so stressed over this! It’s not a big deal!” So, I mentally ended my work break and proceeded to yell back.
Hell, but why should I be on a WORK break on Spring Break? One delicious week to myself, free from school and exams, stuff like that – and I was hunched over a computer, agonizing over page margins in Pagemaker. But it was important to me. I ended up hating this election council gig….but I honored my commitments and I knew that other people depended on me to stay committed. When my dad said “It’s not a big deal” – I interpreted that to mean that all the hours I sank into this position, all the stress and effort I poured into the position, all my responsiblities – were not a big deal. That it was a waste of time. And that pissed me off. It felt like he was disparing my hard work.
why is it important? maybe without the projects and the responsiblities – i feel empty inside – useless. skating used to fill up that void in my life – competiting and training. skating was the only time I felt truly happy, on the ice with the music and flying. skating was the only thing in the world that made me feel beautiful and i believed i could do anything. without it, i still feel a bit empty and worthless.
and i feel like I’m no big deal…