my bed looks good right now

i’m kinda tired of folks telling me how proud they’re of me, of how much courage and integrity I have, of how strong I am. That’s a lot to live up to and well, heck, it doesn’t give me much room to give up and curl back into my comfy Duvet set. That’s where I want to be….either there, or with a bottle of wine and Sex and the City. Carrie makes me laugh.

I’ve been running on this wave of determination to do the right thing. To get justice for myself. Anything to make the world right again. I’ve been ignoring the fact that I can’t make things normal again. Bad things happen. A priest pointed out to me, that bad things happen, even to God – He couldn’t even save His only son from being crucified. Ok, I get it, I’m not the only person in the world with serious trauma. But it’s the only thing I see right now….my future, my dreams and goals, they just seem so un-real right now. It’s kinda like when I go down to LA to visit family. The bay area fades away, it’s a different reality. It’s not real to me when I’m down in Southern California. That was disorientation was even more intense when I visited the Phillippines a few years ago. It seemed like I was going to be there forever….time didn’t move slowly, but it didn’t seem like I was moving forward, either. I enjoyed myself, of course, but I was also quite homesick, for my boyfriend, for American food, and American bathrooms. (I had to carry my own toilet paper around….it’s not something they use over there)

i just want a break. i want a break from being polite and strong and professional. i want somebody, anybody to excuse me for slipping, just a little with drinking and getting lushed. but even when i do that, in the privacy of my own home – i’m judged, poorly – and that makes me feel more alone. hell, i just want something to numb the pain, my heartache. it hurts so much.

and i’m suppose to be happy.

i don’t get breaks. not even in my own home.