Googlism for: queenkv
queenkv is finally graduating from college
here’s one more thing on me
Main Entry: manáic-deápresásive
: characterized either by mania or by depression or by alternating mania and depression
– manic-depressive noun
that’s kinda me….alternating mania and depression….i’m on the swing motion down. thanks mark, kick me while i’m down ð
life sucks hard now. i’m throwing me keys around at work – the resounding clang against my desk, against the marble, against any hard surface gives me a small ounce of satisfaction. it’s like fine, i can at least dish out some pain, even if it’s an inanimate object. fuck this shit.
i’m the only full time staff member of my support group at work. that means i have to deal with all the small people, running up with computer problems, and i have to help them. i have to be pleasant. i’m not allowed to be crabby – that wouldn’t be good customer service. i can’t ask help from my co-workers, because they’re not here. even working on computers doesn’t give me any uplift. i’m pissed off at one primary disk for failing the fucking confidence test on the damn diagnostic tool. another one decided to fall of the face of this earth – it ain’t being detected by the damn o/s or the bios. fuck this shit.
at least i can count on dell to send out the parts. last dec, when i called up dell, i spent 45 minutes on the phone, describing the bay area to the technican. apparently, he’s in to golfing and he wanted to see what the weather was like in carmel – around the 19 mile drive. all i wanted was the damn part. argh. argh. he was also insinuating, on the phone, about me showing him around the bay area. creepy wierd. thank God, i only had professional techs to talk to these past few days, for the floppy drive and the hard drive problems. fuck this shit.
and the world is moving on….and i’m expected to keep up. for how long? when do i get to break down? when do i get to cry? when can i shut people out of my life? not for a while. i have to function in this society. i have to work and pay bills. oh yeah….i have to be cordial to people – i have to actually talk to them and convince them that i’m not crazy, insane, and incapable of functioning in this society……on top of all that, i can’t let them know i’m hurting inside – like a rabid dog….maybe Cujo, or something like that. needing to lash out and release this rage and shame from inside. nope – need to button that shit up. that’s me. oh yeah – i have to reassure my friends that i don’t need any help – don’t want to guilt trip them on their merry ways – out of California, out of this state, and out of my life….left all alone. can’t tell my parents want happen – they would only say i was asking for it – daffy Kristina, always pampering herself. serves her right.
of course…you still have your boyfriend Kris, right? not many people get the chance to couple up. just look at your brother. look at your other friends, the mayors of their perspective townsville (but my brother claims to be president of those territories). well, let me see. on the day my life turned upside down, he pulled his back. yeah….so, instead of curling up and feeling sorry for myself, i made dinner for him. oh yeah, how did he react to the news? in typical fashion, he made it about himself. he asked – why didn’t you call me? yes, those were the words i needed to hear when i was feeling like a whore, like scum of the earth – barely human.
to his credit – he took me out to North Beach, later that week. I got to dress up – I pretended I was a lady. It was nice.
a few days later….he yelled at me. i was upset and sad. i just wanted to go to work early, so i could take a half day…..but, well, yeah, it didn’t work out that way. he yelled at me. just a few days after my trauma, after being sexually assulted – he yelled at me, because i blamed him for me being unable to go to work. yeah…thanks i needed that. i can imagine, that with his pulled back muscles – he’s really suffering inside – emotionally, he’s just incapable of dealing with stress and comments and accusations. i can see why he needed to yell at me. i’m sure he just forgot that i was emotionally unstable. so – moral of the story – even if you have a fragile, broken down, insecure, weak female, barely surviving the bodily violation – you have every right to yell back at her.
one more thing – you don’t have the same rights as a criminal. for victims, you have to take care of yourself, on your own time. for criminals under investigation, you get a vacation, paid by UC Berkeley.
that’s what i’ve learned. so far.
i miss this little girl….i miss my lola.