kinda freakin’ out

so…i had a melt down last night…..a lot of little things just triggered all my insecure little twitches and snowballed into something I didn’t want to face….

  • yeah….there was the hand holding thing….
  • there’s our freakin’ budget at work (see the email I copy/pasted – just got it today)
  • and my poor friend, forgot to buy a tix for me – when we headed out to see T3

if I was normal, this wouldn’t have gotten to me. But, being a half a human being….(the other half – pure fucking self-loathing and despair) – it was difficult to handle. It was even more difficult, to stop myself from taking these random coincidences, personally.

But I did.

ever since my bad bad dream….from Saturday night….every little thing that goes wrong, has been nipping at my sanity. i dreamt that i was forgotten, by everybody I walked with….i bent down to tie my shoelaces, and then when I got back up again….everybody has moved on. They didn’t realize I needed to stop and tie my shoe laces. I couldn’t catch up – didn’t have the heart to, after seeing how happy everyone was, walking without me.

All, just little things….really. Shitty customers, giving up the public affairs department, giving up my newsmagazine. It’s like being a lame duck – before my next big thing. I’ve stripped myself of a lot of responsiblities and that’s a good thing, because who needs to worry about being accountable for shows screwing up and for sinking or swimming with the department…..not me. But, gosh, it’s also an empty feeling, because I identified so much with being a leader at the station.

Same thing at work, just doing what I can to get by, really. Before Dec. I don’t feel the same ambition to get tech certified in anything. I just want to do my part well. But, without that ambition – it also comes with the whole, I feel insignificant around here…..and it doesn’t help that I didn’t get admin leave with pay. It doesn’t seem right or fair, or anything. Yeah, that’s been haunting me for a bit… a criminal gets more benefits than the victim.

i did a swing dancing class last month. one chick and myself came without a friend to partner up with… did three other guys….two of whom were our age….so the young guys went up to the skinny skinny asian chick. nobody wanted to dance with me, the transfatty chick. So, yeah, that burnt – hard. Thankfully, I have mad skills at ballroom dancing….I took a few classes before. I was partnered up with a guy, old enough to my grandfather. He was nice about it. It was nice to focus on dancing, instead of flirting…..but after I left the class, I was still smarting from being left alone, on the first dance. Furthermore, the grandfather dude, didn’t even chose to dance with me. The instructor had to tell him to partner up with me, the transfatty chick.

So, a lot of little things – just built up to yesterday’s big blow out for me. I hoped that watching T3 would be entertaining enough to pull me out of my doldrums. But, when we met up at the theater, I found out that my friend forgot to buy a ticket for me….only two for the two guys with me. Yeah, I was falling apart at the moment. I hope they couldn’t tell. I knew in my heart it was no big deal. Really. It could have happened to any of us. so, i told the guys to grab me a seat. i needed to make a phone call. they did. i called Wes. he wasn’t there. and Betina and Steph…well, they’re not in town. what did I have left?

a dirty vodka martini with three olives.

1 1/2 oz. Vodka
Splash of Olive juice
Dry Vermouth (if desired)

Stir over ice.
Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
Garnish with olives.

there was a bar, next to the theater. i figured one more drink would numb out all the tears i couldn’t stop from pouring. i already had a beer from Raleighs. I knew that I couldn’t stop from melting down into my own pool of self-loathing. I could either call somebody and ask them to weather the storm with me. I could face it on my own, my feel my heart break, my mind go insane, and my dignity stripped of respect. Or, I could drink. It numbs it all for me. When I melt down and I’m drunk – it doesn’t hurt so much. When I’m drunk, I don’t have inhibitions and I don’t care if I look stupid. I stop caring about myself when I’m drunk. When I’m drunk, it doesn’t matter if I’m miserable because everything gets fuzzy. It’s an escape. It’s an escape from myself, from what I’ve experience and from the pain.

so, I took the drink. Thank god, nobody wanted to talk to me – because I wasn’t in the mood. I guess looked miserable enough to scare off any good intentions. I only had one drink. Then I went back into the theater. I missed all the damn previews. Mark offered some soda. I was feeling the buzz. The opening credits, voice narration, machines killing human…….ok, the killing and blood and violence got to me. Shocked me out of the buzz……flinching in my seat…..the tears coming out. went to the bathroom….tried to compose myself – which is the fucking antithesis to getting drunk. went back to my seat. a few hahaha laughs as arnie tried to deliver deadpan comedy. apparently, this is a different model from the one john conner partnered up with in T2 – he comes with a psychology program. ok – found the mom’s grave – filled up with weapons. i knew more violence was coming. more gun fire. more blood. i leaned over and told mark to find me in a bar. i left the theater.

so, i got back to the business of getting drunk. an a’s game was on the tv. another dirty vodka martini. more calm. more buzzed. and i found two folks from mike’s engagement party. neat. we talked for a bit, about chicago and prepping for the cold cold weather. it was just nice to chill with people who didn’t know me well – talking about normal things. gosh that was nice….even talking about mike’s chronicle of wedding plans in his blog. that was nice. walter and sandra left for the karoke night, downstairs. some guy bought me a drink….walter assured me he was a good guy. we ended up talking about movies and sci-fi books. mark and gau finished the movie and found me. they wanted to talk and eat. i was slipping from the buzz, to the despair part of drinking. tried chilling at Mel’s.


the waitress followed me into the bathroom, with a glass of water. she said my friends were worried about me. i thanked her. i started freaking out in the bathroom – something about the fluorescent lights intensified the self-loathing. i got out of there and out of mels….headed for sun hong kong. called wes. he said he’d meet me there.

got a table for two. ordered veggie dumplings. veggie fried rice. the tea was nice. mark and gau got to the resturant first. they thought i went to cafe jun. we got a bigger table. wes came – he had a perl milk tea. i was miserable and i had these three amazing guys, there with me. that was nice. i wish, at the time, i could see how much they cared…..i couldn’t see beyond the pain. when i think back, i’m grateful i wasn’t alone.

if anything, i think my sobbing ruined everybody’s appetite for Chinese food.

and here’s the email I got this morning 🙁

Subject: The State Budget and Our Salaries

Haas Colleagues,

I am writing to draw your attention to the email below that was originally sent out by U.C. President Atkinson on July 1st. It is very important that you read this, because there is a possibility that our paychecks may be temporarily reduced to minimum wage after the August 1st pay cycle. As noted below, U.C. is trying to prevent this from happening. However, as the days pass and there is no approved state budget, we should each start preparing for a temporary reduction in pay, in case it is determined that the court ruling on minimum wage applies to U.C. employees.

In an effort to get more information to the campus community, U.C. Berkeley has set up the following web site:
I encourage you to check there regularly for updates on the budget situation.