Stranger
than you dreamt it-
can you even
dare to look
or bear to
think of me:
this loathsome
gargoyle, who
burns in hell, but secretly
yearns for heaven,
secretly…
secretly…
…..Phantom of the Opera
i thought i was healed enough to go to hankido last Friday evening. i was totally pumped to be going. i felt like i was finally getting my life back…..yeah, i know i wasn’t going to church anymore – but i’m also working on that as well. i picked up these daily devotional: 365 Mary – a Catholic book on Mary, human and mother of God. Every morning, I read one of the devotionals and I journal about it for a bit. It’s part of my morning routine now. So, I was on my way.
but then, something broke out of my routine.
i finished changing into my hankido uniform, at the lockers. i waited for Mark to meet me. every time I went to the gym – he would wait for me and we would walk through the gym together. it was a comforting habit for me. it gave me courage. after my tramua in April – i felt so betrayed and so raw – walking through the gym. it was incredibly difficult to force myself back and to write up a complaint. but i did it. at least wes was with me that day. right after it all went down – i had this horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach – blame, nausea, sin – all mixed up and churning. and panic. so much panic.
so….i had no idea what would happen if i felt alone, at the gym, again. i waited for 15 minutes for mark, on friday. i started to panic. i had problems breathing. that horrible sinking feeling, the one i had in april, came back. had to get out of the gym. couldn’t stop crying. God, I hope nobody recognized me as i was bawling my way out of the gym.
Thank God for Betina – she was able to talk to me. to calm me down. to reassure me that i’m not some freak of nature for having a nervous breakdown – in the middle of the afternoon and in front of all those students….all those strangers. it helped to hear her voice.
Thank God for Gau – letting me use his restroom to change out of my uniform. At least for that afternoon, there was no way I was going to return to the locker room. He let me chill in his apartment – didn’t push me for questions. I needed that. To pretend to be normal.
I’m not normal. I’m still suffering. I’m letting it get to me, in my mind. Intellectually – I know I have the power to stop these thoughts from driving me insane…sometimes it feels like it doesn’t matter. It would be so nice to lose control – to put away these facades – these masks of being professional, hard-working strong. i wish i could be weak. i wish there was a way to safely mourn my innocence being stripped away. i wish i could depend on myself – to be normal when i’m in public….or at least at the gym and church – my two havens….well, they use to be.
things feel different….i freaked out when Mark tried to kiss me on Sunday….i thought i could handle it….but, yeah. i guess not.
i’m a coward.