there are pros and cons to baring your soul on your public blog….
according to one of my ediets buddies:
queenkv-That sucks,basically I said I appreciated your openness and honesty.I said you write beautifully,and I asked a few questions,but I won’t post them here.Thank you for giving us some insight into who you are!
so. yeah. i can do that. be open…..but – heck, if you’re involved, then it hurts – big time.
Your blog hurts, a lot. I love you. I take full responsibility for being concerned for you on Monday, but I did not call the police. In fact, I told Hans,
as soon as he got there and saw that you were okay, that maybe he should call the police and tell them not to come because I didn’t think you were suicidal.
Anyways, there are lots of other things that your blog said that I know are how you feel, but I’m not going to justify myself.
i love my friends. i also love being very open in this blog. most of my life is fair game on here. even my dreams. part of me is quite sorry for lashing out on people on this blog – especially my friends. i even emailed that crazy Monday entry to several people. i suppose i should have known how hurtful those words could be – especially if their blaming people for my condition.
i couldn’t help but feel like it was a conspiracy situation. first mark asks for the phone numbers of my close friends. then one of them drops by. then the police come by. then i’m locked up. for me, it felt like mark was calling my friends and asking what to do with me – without letting me into the discussion.
i was also very annoyed when mark said he discussed my situation with another friend and they both came to the conclusion that my problem was that I didn’t communicate enough. If anything, this whole situation was based on failed communication by both people in the relationship. Even if I could have said anything – like, hey, my cousin wants me down in Vegas, I feel like going – it would have fallen on ears that couldn’t hear me, expressing pain, when my legs were cramping as we walked to lunch on Monday. So, based on my analysis – mark and i, both have a problem with communicating.
i talked to my cousin on wed – she said she was scared when she heard me. both of my cousins were, after talking about me. ok – if friends and family both thought i was scary sounding, i think i can begin to understand how desparate mark was to make sure i was safe. starting to understand – not fully there yet. my cousin said she would bake some yummy cookies for me.
i tried talking to my friend, but i caught her as her class begun. i tried to apologize – to explain the whole conspiracy, paranoid feeling i got. there was only so much i could say, before she got back to teaching. i do feel bad. she’s amazing to me and i don’t mean to bite the hand that holds me up. she’s saved life my once. she kept me sane. i am sorry for blaming her.
as for mark – my therapist made me see that i had a choice in how i react to mark yelling at me. for all these years, i probably just broke down and cried when he would raise his voice at me. it’s a very weak position and i gave him that power over me. so now – i chose to react in a strong position – i will walk away from him, if he yells at me. i will leave me alone, if he raises his voice at me. on my end – mark said he would leave me alone, if i start needling him again. i think it’s a fair trade off. it’s better than being sent into a hospital – for saying mean things.