no major disaster’s – so hooray. i’m getting use to being sore.
…this is a good thing for me – need to build myself back up….it certainly sucks to be old – but that doesn’t mean I can’t be atheltic.
When I use to do figure skating – I managed to get out of doing PE, starting from Jr. High and on. My seventh grade school had an off-campus PE program and my skating coaches assigned grades to me. I can’t believe one of them gave me a B +. What the hell! In eighth grade – I attempted to do PE as well as my skating workouts. I ran a mile one day and I had to skate, later that afternoon. I wasn’t able to do any of my jumps that day – my legs were too cramped up. My coach insisted on taking care of my PE needs. So, after several letters from my coach and my parents – the school allowed me to use figure skating for my PE credits. I would have a shorter day than the other students. The next semester, I started pair skating. My parents managed to get Fridays off for me – so that I could train in San Diego with my new partner. Sure, I was use to falling – but pair skating brought around a new level of soreness…..I suppose this is the first time I found it painful to be with a guy. It wasn’t intended – just the nature of the sport. I was tossed into the air for jumps and lifts and it was damn un-nerving, not having any control. I tried to be like my cat – landing upright. It was difficult to gauge the amount of power he would launch me into the air with. I soon found out how weak my wrists were – every practice – I had to lock them hard when my partner tossed me into a lift.
His arms were locked – to keep me stable and lifted over his head. We practiced off the ice, several hours a day – before we attempted these moves on the ice. There was plenty of falling down from that point in the air.
ok…back to the present.
i went back to church yesterday. I sang with my choir and it was swell. It was also very difficult to make it through mass. I guess church, my faith, God – well – I don’t think I’m worthy of it all…..kinda like keeping my family in the dark. Can’t deal with the rejection and don’t want to. But I sat there, praying, trying to keep my tears back. Couldn’t do Communion…..not only the whole insecurity business….but also a lot of rage. I can’t begin to understand why God would let this happen to me. Of course, my years of religion would correct that thinking….God didn’t let this horrible thing happen to me – it was a human tresspass against me. I also know God never promised life would be easy – just that he would be there for us. This is what I have learned and on occasion – this is what I have experienced. During my darkest moments in skating, I found endurance in God. A couple of years ago, I found myself on the second story of the student union building. I was a junior at Cal. I was RHA president. I was miserable and I felt like I was failing everybody – even as president of the dorms – I couldn’t get my brother a room to live in for his freshman year. So….I wanted to jump. While my boyfriend found my good-bye letter on my website and he was calling my friends and the cops – I was praying on that second story. I sat on a stone bench and I prayed the rosary over and over again. It felt like the thing to do. I asked for forgiveness…..I was given grace. That grace gave me the courage to face my first 51/50 – to weather the mind battering by the shrinks – to forgive my boyfriend and friends for calling the police.
i’m good at holding grudges. i think i have one with God, right now. i’m mad and i can’t feel him…..maybe i don’t want to. that scares me. but right now, mad.