my therapist is thrilled I don’t hit the bottle for any comfort from these really low moments in my life……
shopping helped – but I don’t like the idea of dropping $30 for a new car charger. What the hell?
read thru some old old emails…….back when Mark didn’t know what it was like to be hurt by me…..
i feel so worthless right now. i really do. no matter how many times i bend over backwards for my job – it’s never enough. sometimes it feels like i’m going to slip through the cracks, like a faint memory…..that’s all i’ll ever be here – and it really doesn’t matter how much heart and worry i put into this job. it really doesn’t matter.
a year ago – i thought i was stuck here – in this limbo – unable to make enough to break free and no creditials to propel me into a dream job…..now, i’m posied to leave Berkeley behind and start a new life in Chicago. It’s scary and exciting – but it’s better than feeling like I have no where else to go. I’m grateful to feel those moving anxieties – I’m thrilled to have those new-person jitters – in a city where I probably don’t know anybody. It’s better than the limbo – a place I was almost resigned to. I was almost able to imagine a few more years of working my ass off at a job that isn’t a career to me. I was almost able to picture my life – struggling to make ends meet and starving my soul of any passionate endeavors. I was almost able to seeing my youth slip away without taking any more risks on my dreams.
Thank God – I couldn’t stand to let that happen to me.
Yeah, I know I am going to flush hundreds of dollars into Northwestern, in the next month or so – money that I’m running quite thin on. I know I am going to be living with jitters and nerves as I feel my way through a new school, a new city, a new life. I know it won’t be easy. Life isn’t fair. But fuck it – that doesn’t mean I can give up. I won’t give up.
My family believes in me.
Mark has faith in me.
I’m starting to see that I will survive the Chicago winter. More than that – I’m going to bloom.