“Not only do you think about fairy tales, you have the ways of a fairy princess.”
if last night was indication….i guess that stupid quiz was just a stupid quiz…..i guess i have a clue why mark was laughing at me when i told him the results of that stupid quiz.
oh yeah, my self-esteem is taking a major beating…..started back last Wed and it doesn’t seem to be letting up….now we have to split up the rent – my checking account is also going to take a beating….hell, i think i’m living off ramen for the first few months in grad school.
…..in any event…had fun at Neela’s Halloween party……the evite said the party started up at 9:00 PM – some of the folks from Soda Hall showed up at 8:00 PM. So much for being fashionably late.
mark had his old Roman Emperor costume from last year. I had an old pink wig. I paired that with a skirt from hot topics. It was half-off. Bonus. I also had some pink wings from a year or two before…..so I told folks I was a anime goth fairy thingie…..thanks to some inspiration from that anime book I’m currently reading….yeah….I see a lot of pink heads in anime films.
i feel so raw right now. for my daily devotional readings….it made me think about bridges – how Mary was a bridge for humans to God….and how she shows up in several passages in the Koran – kinda like a bridge between religions. it also suggested I try to be a bridge in my own life….that doesn’t seem to be working for me. if anything – everything and everyone in my current life seem to be burning their connections off of me.
my friends….my two dear friends, wes and betina…..i haven’t heard from them in ages…..i feel kinda embrassed to call them. i’m pretty sure they’re darn busy with their own lives and they’re taking care of their own business. the last few times i tried – i end up getting their voice mail. i don’t know where to begin with trying to make contact with them again….i miss them both very much….i’m worried they’re both tired of dealing with my neurosis…..i don’t blame them….maybe i should get use to this…afterall, Chicago isn’t exactly a hop and a skip away from Berkeley and Oakland…..there’s so much i want to discuss with them….and i don’t think i can….
home….a lot my past has burned away with the fires in Southern California. In addition to my old high school – Running Springs is off limits and evacuated. My family’s old cabin has probably burnt down by now. I miss my home in Diamond Bar as well. I know the fires haven’t touched it – but I don’t think I can bear seeing another family living there. I still have this fantasy that I will make enough money to buy it back, someday. I have this hope I can do so, before my parents pass away. I know it hit my mom pretty hard when we had to move out.
i like putting down roots…..i planted a lot of them in our little house in the richmond hills…..it’s so difficult to pack. it’s more difficult to let go a lot of the stuff that made up my sanctuary….my room – my haven…..but i have to let go of this stuff…..can’t take it all with me. plus it’s just stuff! things shouldn’t have so much power over me…..i have my pictures and i have my memories. that should be enough. mark’s planning on moving to San Francisco – so I won’t be able to come back to this home, either.
home….I have a home state – but I don’t have anything to call home. Only my family. That should be enough – I’m lucky – some people don’t even have family to come home to. I wish I could be like my mom – free from this need to visit my past…..she said she doesn’t have to go home to the Philippines…she doesn’t have that yearning to see the place where she grew-up. I have this fantasy of making enough money to fly with her to the Philippines….my lola made me promise to come back with my mom….she misses her daughter. i was shocked and moved when i saw the fading pix from my childhood, pinned up in her little hut.
home…..in Mark…..we want different things. i think i finally figured that out, this weekend. after neela’s party – i asked him what he wanted from our relationship. on Sunday, he finally made it clear that he wanted us to just be friends, when i move to Chicago. yeah, it hurt at first. still hurts to think about it. but i also know it’s what’s right for him – he needs to figure out what he wants in life…..as for myself, i already know. i’m glad i didn’t vocalize that – why should i even mention those stupid dreams? i can’t change him and i can’t change what’s going to be. it’s kinda wierd, because all my life – i’ve always worked really hard for what i wanted. now, i’m at a point where i have to resist that instinct – so that mark can figure out what he wants. it goes against everything i know to be true about myself. i hope he realizes how different everything will be, when we go back to being friends…..hell, if i’m having problems opening up to betina and wes – people who have known me from 1996 – if my skating buddy Stacy, has pointed out how difficult it is to get me to open up to my close friends, well – it’s going to be difficult to open up to any friend, especially Mark. i remember when he broke my heart last July, the week before Rafael died – he saw me moping around the house. He said something like – you know, this is really hard on me too. Despite my wet, blood-shot eyes and my fragile sense of being, he wanted to make sure I knew he was hurting as well. When I told my therapist about it – she said – who cares – what’s important right now is my own feelings. so, yeah, when we go back to being friends – i’m going to be taking care of myself first – even if it means i have to shut out a friend.
when i do that – well…..then i’m going to be left with nothing, right? well….not exactly – in Chicago – i’m following my dreams and going after what i want in my life. i know my new career would be my priority – this week, i kinda hoped that i wouldn’t be alone, as i follow my dreams.
so, i guess Sunday night – after I failed to ignite anything truly romantic and passionate in mark- i felt like a big failure. still do.
my fantasies….my stupid romantic ideas….they shouldn’t have so much power over me.