i had a dream that I was at a another skating competition….
it must have been one of the qualifying rounds, like Southwest, or something……I think my actual memories of Southwest, from Fall 1994 – were cut into this dream. I kept hearing my old Carmen music mixing in with the new, edgy sound, my new routine was set to.
I think it was also set at the same rink I competed at, in Phoenix, Arizona. It was really hot and dry…..I was worried about my throat dying in those conditions…..
I kept hearing my coach, Wendy, telling me to snap out of it – while I was practicing…..my mom had told her that I had a break-up. In this dream, my parents did not show-up for the competition. This also happened in real life – I broke up with a high school boyfriend, right before Regionals. But at that time, apparently I skated really well, very lyrically. My coach was impressed.
My routine was a modern one, very sharp edges and double axels and triples at each end of the rink. I had on a peach dress – with the sleeves set-off the shoulders. It reminded me of the outfit worn by Kellis at the Fashion Rock event.
I landed some jumps, I fell hard on other ones. I did a triple lutz and I landed clean, on my toe pick – I could feel myself catching the edge and at the moment where you could either fight for the landing, or let ago. I fought. There was a close-up on that blade and it caught another groove. Ended up on my ass.
I kept skating. I felt beautiful – but it felt like everything I ever had was gone. That all I had left was this fleeting self-beauty that I created on the ice. Once stepped off the ice, I knew I became nothing – without a job, without a home, without a loved one waiting for me in the wings. I was on my own, with my dreams.