watching Sex and the City
Which Sex and the City Vixen Best Matches Your Sex Style?
i’m doing alright now…though…
watching “Escape from New York” – it’s an adorable espiode and best of alll…..my favorite slayer….
get’s a guest spot on….
“Sex and the City” (1998) playing “Debbie” in episode: “Escape from New York” (episode # 3.13) 10 September 2000
God…I need a break. It’s been a nightmare. I woke up Tuesday morning and I didn’t see an escape. I woke up this morning, in Mark’s bed and I was terrified – I thought my life on Tuesday – escaping – being in the sun – watching movies – watching Ally – watching Buffy – I thought it was a dream…that I was back in that Contra Costa hospital. I asked Mark if he was going to put me in the hospital again. He said no. I asked him if he tried to sleep with Jen. He said no. Why should I trust him?
Monday…..Mark put me in the hospital. At lunch, he forced me to walk at breakneck speed to get an IB Hoagie. He said he was concerned about me missing the town hall meeting – at work. Back at Bancroft – I tried to tell him my legs hurt – I guess I couldn’t get his attention. According to Betina and Mark, I have a problem communicating…yeah, I suppose I’m really really bad at communicating weakness. But when I tried to point out Mark’s need to listen – to really listen – apparently, that’s not the major issue. We ate our sandwiches at the museum. I lost my appetite. I needled him. His words. I was pissed that he didn’t hear me. He yelled at me.
That’s where it went all down hill – for me. For Mark, I started it – by needling him. However, he wasn’t listening to me, back at Bancroft – what was I suppose to do? Give him a doggie treat for tuning me out? It felt like he was tuning me out. He yelled at me and then I saw him – that asshole who took advantage of me in April. The same asshole who lied to UCPD – made it sound like I was involved. I panicked. Mark kept yelling at me. I left.
I told Phil I had to go – that I thought I saw him again. I was still crying when I left Haas.
Got home. I crawled into Mark’s bed – how can I love someone who hurts me so much? Why can’t he see how much he hurts me. Crawled out of bed. Popped in Kissing Jessica Stein, opened up some alcohol.
had a lot of alcohol
Session Start (ICQ – 14568758:mercury): Mon Sep 15 16:56:03 2003
mercury: hi
mercury: i’m sorry i yelled at you. i wish we could understand each other better
Queenkv: why?
Queenkv: i’ll be gone soon enough
Queenkv: whether or not i can get control of this
Queenkv: or else.
Queenkv: i can killl myself
mercury: so there wouldn’t be misunderstandings between us
Queenkv: who really cares
Queenkv: nobddy
mercury: all of your friends, family, me
Queenkv: it’s not like i’ll get him
Queenkv: it’s better to dream
Queenkv: and pretend i’m buffy
Queenkv: at least nobody would rape her
Queenkv: it would be easier on you
mercury: what would?
Queenkv: date jen
Queenkv: forget about kme
Queenkv: me
Queenkv: i’ll pack and leave soon
mercury: you are talking crazy….
Queenkv: n o
Queenkv: i’m drunk
Queenkv: not craazy
Queenkv: it’s better than feeling this way
Queenkv: feeling so dammnm helpless
Queenkv: and ugluy
mercury: i said you were talking crazy, that’s not the same as me saying you are
Queenkv: and fuckin’ horrid
mercury: i did nto say you are
Queenkv: i’m nuts
Queenkv: i can be gone
mercury: no
Queenkv: before you get here
Queenkv: who wouldn care?
mercury: everyone does care
Queenkv: brb
Queenkv: bathroom
Queenkv: need more booze
mercury: why?
Queenkv: because nobody wants to talk to me
Queenkv: not even wes
Queenkv: so
Queenkv: i’m really alone
mercury: didn’t you talk to betina?
Queenkv: she’s happy
Queenkv: i’m at home
mercury: so, you’re not really alone, you have friends to talk to, i’m talking to you
Queenkv: buffy calls up the nerd
Queenkv: jonathon
Queenkv: betina doesn’t want to talk
Queenkv: jennie – her dad’s bday is today
Queenkv: she’s busy
Queenkv: they’re down in sd
Queenkv: jonathon is the geek
mercury: “can’t” talk and “not wanting” to talk are completely different
Queenkv: pretending to know what’s up[
Queenkv: called giles – “ruper”
Queenkv: rupert
mercury: i guess you don’t want to talk
Queenkv: [poor dear]
Queenkv: i want to be loved
Queenkv: i want to do my best
mercury: me too
Queenkv: can’t do either
Queenkv: i’m ugly
Queenkv: alone
Queenkv: i’m at home
Queenkv: just buzzin
Queenkv: and i’m hurt
Queenkv: you don’t realize
Queenkv: guess \i could go down
Queenkv: and take that asshole down
Queenkv: but the laW WOULDN’T LET ME
Queenkv: mark i need you
Queenkv: im scared
Queenkv: im tired
Queenkv: dpmt leave me
mercury: i can come home now to be with you
Queenkv: pleaase
Queenkv: ikm scare of me
mercury: i’m leaving work
mercury: now
Queenkv: im scared
Queenkv: mark help me
Queenkv: pleaase
Queenkv: im
Queenkv: acARWSD
Queenkv: acared
Queenkv: im
Queenkv: drunk
Queenkv: im
Queenkv: not
*** mercury signed off at Mon Sep 15 17:14:48 2003.
Queenkv: wonderful
*** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on
*** mercury signed on at Mon Sep 15 17:14:51 2003.
*** mercury signed off at Mon Sep 15 17:14:58 2003.
Queenkv: help mr
Queenkv: me
*** mercury signed on at Mon Sep 15 17:24:04 2003.
mercury: kris pick up the phone
Queenkv: i hate myself
mercury: kris pick up the phone
mercury: i love you
mercury: what is betina’s # i want her to talk to you while i ride home
*** You have been disconnected. Mon Sep 15 21:10:50 2003.
so – Mark took it upon himself to save me. He called the cops. I ended up on the phone with Ate’ Gigi. She was totally there for me. She said she was on the internet and she could fly me to Vegas. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to get out of this town. She was my way out. Before I could tell her, yes, I want to go to vegas – Hans came in. Then the police. They placed me on a 51/50 (Police code for suspects exhibiting unstable behavior due to substance abuse, psychological problems or both.)- I was locked up in the mental ward overnight. The paramedics asked what to do when my boyfriend tried to see me – I told them to keep Mark away from me.
I could have spent the night with my cousin in Vegas – instead – Mark took away my freedom and put me in the hospital. Have you ever spent the night in a mental ward? First of all – you don’t want to make any funny or saracastic comments. They might think you’re crazy. In fact – the whole point is to get out – to do so, you are interviewed with a therapist and she has the keys to the door that let’s you go home or locks you back in. Yes, this has happened to me before, when I was actually suicidal. It saved my life. But on Monday – well, I can’t help but see it as punishment for being mean to Mark…..it’s terrifying that he has this power over me now. On top of that….he doesn’t have any consequences to face when he yells at me. None. So – it’s kinda of a sick relationship we’re in now. I’m terrified of him. The other day, I had to ask him to move away from the phone – I didn’t want him to call the police again if I pissed him off – he yelled at me again – told me to shut up. So much for communicating. It bothers me that he doesn’t take any responsiblity in locking me up….it’s like having Mark is this kid, playing with a loaded gun – he shoots somebody….and then, because he’s a kid, it’s not his fault and they lock up the victim to make sure she doesn’t get hurt. Does that make any sense? So – I can understand the first 51/50 – but I don’t know if I can forgive Mark for taking advantage of me on this second 51/50 – according to Mark – I should be thanking him for it. Yeah, because Vegas was going to be so detrimental to me.
Monday night – couldn’t sleep – odd, since I was drunk. I watched Star Trek with Monika – I tried to call Wes – he wasn’t answering his phone. For all I knew, Mark probably told him to back off or something. Monday night – I had a sandwich and lot’s of water. Met with the therapist – she said I could go home in the morning, as long as my alcohol level went down. She said I should see my therapist and she could see I wasn’t a danger to myself. So yeah, Mark and Betina – WITHOUT ANY PROFESSIONAL TRAINING – made the decision I was a danger to myself….and then this professional overturned their ruling. Go figure. I was placed in a room with 6 other ladies – some had medication to help them sleep. The nurses gave me Vitamin B. I didn’t want to ask for any sleeping aides – I was afraid it would screw with my alcohol level going down. I tried to sleep – many of the ladies snored and smelled really bad. Like a cross between an old tampon and nicotine and alcohol. Then there was the yelling. One kid slammed some equipment around – didn’t want to take his medicine. More people kept slamming doors – emergencies attended to very 15 minutes. Every two hours a nurse took my blood pressure and temp and later, administered a breathalizer test. All zereo’s – I wasn’t legally drunk anymore. Still couldn’t go home. Not until the dr came in the next morning. I slept in this cot, that came from a fold away seat recliner. There was a huge crack in the middle, right were my lower back needed the support of a normal bed. I took off my Cal sweater and hugged it. It felt like one of my soft teddy bears. I thought about Vegas and Ate’ Gigi. I thought about Mark and his temper. Maybe he should get some help for that. I wonder why he didn’t get locked up for verbal abuse. I figured that anybody can get away with hurting me – yelling or sexually assulting me – without being punished. The police can’t arrest the asshole. They’re certainly not going to try taking Mark down for a domestic dispute. The only solution – keep my fucking mouth shut. It seems to keep landing me in the hospital – where people watched and see if you would start yelling – like that other guy. More yelling – more equpiment being slammed around. I could see the wall clock outside. I grabbed a few magazines and tried to read in the semi-darkness. At 6 AM – they started testing out the alarm system – every 15 minutes. At around 9:30 – Mark walked into the mental ward, like a free man. He brought my teddy bear. They let me leave.
When it comes down to it – Mark didn’t know. He couldn’t get me on the phone – I was talking to Ate’ Gigi. He couldn’t get to me fast enough – he imagined that I might have slit my writsts by then. Of course, I did tell him a few years ago that I wasn’t into blood and I wouldn’t do that. So, from one perspective – yeah, I could see why he needed to do this. But I also pointed out – now he has to live with the consequences. From what I see – he forced me to walk fast – just like I was forced into a sexually vulnerable position by the asshole. He yelled at me and brought back months of supressed suffering and trauma. He called the police and effectively snuffed out my freedom for almost 12 hours. He has found a power over me that I have no defenses against. If he calls the police again – they’ll take his word over mine. They always do, or so it seems.
Why should I trust him? I asked him – why should I trust him? He said, well for one thing – I never accused you of cheating. Well – he conviently forgot about the time he got drunk and accused me of carrying on with Wes, of loving him still of betraying him for Wes. Yeah, he was drunk, at home, and yelling at me.
Maybe I should have called the police then.