second-hand knowledge….

From a few minutes ago….

[20:12] Wes:
[20:12] *** Auto-response sent to Wes: catching up on the new battlestar galactica…trying to make my blog take comments….complain complain complain
[20:12] iluvqueenkv: wha?
[20:13] Wes: condolences on your … what’s the word, tito?
[20:13] Wes: (uncle)
[20:14] iluvqueenkv: thanks – tito is about right.
[20:14] iluvqueenkv: i feel more bad for my mom
[20:14] iluvqueenkv: i’ve been planning on buying her tix to pi – for a while
[20:15] Wes: she flew back, right?
[20:15] iluvqueenkv: but she didn’t know when she could go back
[20:15] iluvqueenkv: when he passed away – she figured that would be a good time to go back
[20:15] iluvqueenkv: how did you hear?
[20:16] Wes: faith’s blog
[20:16] iluvqueenkv: ah
[20:16] iluvqueenkv: ok that’
[20:16] iluvqueenkv: that
[20:17] iluvqueenkv: that is annoying
[20:17] Wes: what?
[20:17] iluvqueenkv: nevermind

OK – time to be honest….I am very annoyed at reading about my family life on another blog. I suppose I’m used to being the sole blogger on what happens in my life and to my family. Now, my bro’s girlfriend has been blogging and her life intersects with my family…it would be natural for her to include what happens to my bro and his family in her blogging….

I understand that intellectually.

However, there’s this emotional reaction – I feel like my privacy and my family’s privacy has been violated. Sure, it’s an irrational thing…but I can’t help feeling that way.

When other bloggers from school or from Cali – who know me – want to write about stuff that’s happening to me….well – they typically ask me first….especially if it’s something personal. It’s good blogging etiquette. It’s also common sense.

This is a difficult time for my family…and regardless if it’s a respectful mention on a non-family blog…it’s still awkward for me to read it when I know our feelings are still raw about the tragedy….and I suspect not many of us are ready to deal with it with the rest of the world.

I knew what happened last week to my mother. I found out when I was the middle of editing my show, demanding finished packages from the other students and dealing with the rest of the stress from the program. I felt so bad for my Mom…..she didn’t articulate the pain, but I just knew.

And since I’m in such a “supportive” enviroment (note “supportive” spoken in a sarcastic manner) – I had to squeeze the tears shut….breathe deeply….and move on with the rest of work. I knew my mom needed me to be strong….she didn’t need me to break down into a sniveling mess. I managed to shut down the whole mourning part of myself and keep working on the editing machines.

And it kills me that I couldn’t go home and be with her. Bad thoughts started running through my mind…how I’m a bad daughter…how I’m so selfish….bad thoughts that I was able to push away so that I could finish my show.

Wes pointed out that this could be a cultural thing. Upon further reflection, it probably is. My mother taught me it wasn’t proper to blab about grief like this….especially when it’s about family.

So, it was out of respect to my family that I didn’t blog about my uncle passing away….last week.

On top of that, I didn’t blog about it because I wasn’t ready to deal with the grief – with so much going on in my life. The newsmagazine, job interview, etc. Unlike other trauma in my life – this was one time when I couldn’t take a day off from school.

My QT in Atlanta knows what I’m talking about….often times, we don’t read about major changes in her life until a several months later – after she’s had time to reflect and compose her thoughts.

Now I feel like the time I had to compose my thoughts…to reflect…to process the grief…has been stolen from me.

Again, I know the blog entry was done in a respectful manner….but I still feel this way.